Class: After many pleading emails from you, I've decided to make a brief appearance and give you one hot blog tip. Yes, I'm posting again, but with much sadness!
Ya see, many of my favorite blogs have disappeared off the map! Like your blondalicious teacher (who nearly vanished herself!), many of my favorite blogs have returned to the great Blog Graveyard in cyberspace.
When I was updating my funny blogs Squidoo lens recently, I was shocked and dismayed to discover many missing blogs. Melancholia swept over me. Where did the bloggers go who used to make me laugh or sneer or cringe or....?
Some of these bloggers may now be flipping burgers...or even worse, they may be writing screenplays in Hollywood. Putain! (I feel safe using this last expletive since most of you don't read French and most people don't read my blog anymore either!)
Then I remembered I hadn't updated Blog-Blond since August, and I was one of the M.I.A.! Where had the time gone??? I haven't been flipping or slaving for the man. What was my alibi? Gasp! I too was in the Blog Graveyard!
And did I desire to return From The Blog Graveyard????? Did I have anything more to teach you--my deliciously naughty students?
It was this last question which brings me to post here today. I can't fit everything into my *much different* Twitter, Facebook, Plurk and Squidoo pages. This is why blogs are still valuable: I can ramble on for as long as I wish and BE the blondalicious Blog-Blond!
If I wish to rant, teach, seduce, beguile, or tease you, I need a blog! This is my reason NUMERO UNO to return and post.
My Reason Number Two: I've many slavish fans who depend upon my preposterous, retarded humor to make them laugh. No other blond will do OR so they say. (A Tiger story if there ever was one!) In these harsh times, any laugh is worth it's weight in gold.
My Reason Number Three is to instruct you. I've learned a thing or two in the years I've been online, and why not share my knowledge?
With Number Three in mind, here's my Hot Blog Tip of the Year: sign up for Nutshell Mail if you're on Twitter, Facebook, or MySpace.
Nutshell Mail will save you loads of time dealing with some of the nut cases you'll meet, especially the ones who follow you with the intention of dumping/unfollowing you to build up their numbers.
Nutshell Mail gives you the lowdown several times a day direct to your email about who your new followers and unfollowers are. It gives me great satisfaction to return the favor asap to the unfollowers. Here's what N.M. says about the 'WHY' on their homepage: "The busy social networker who doesn't have time to hang out online all day."
Does that sound like you? The busy social networker? Yep, thought so! Me too! That's why N.M. has been such a Goddess-Send!
To summarize: you'll see me again....read my posts again...not to worry. I love sharing hot blog tips! I love Retro! I love you!
Class, I'm interviewing myself about what I did this summer since I'll ask much juicier questions. Finally, you'll know!
Listen Up and read up on what your scandalous, blondalicious teacher REALLY did this summer!
FYI: Blog-Blond is a HUMOR blog disguised as a blog school for those who just surfed here. If my answers are too much for you to handle, remember this important detail. That's all. Grow up.
You just got back from vacation? Where were you?
Paris of course! I always run to Paris when I have a hot, new lover as this is THE best city for folly and fooling around. Then we moved on to Ibiza for even more folly.
When I was super young, I modeled...so I know the fashion world well. I still like to keep up with fashion. Many of my dearest friends swim in this exciting, shark- infested world. Many people don't get fashion--they judge fashion as superficial. But this is a deception.
Fashion and style mafias rule the world, dontcha know? Most people are ill informed on this subject, and they think oil and big pharma rule. They're sadly mistaken...the biggest wars are Image Wars.
My walk-in closet is very well-organized, and I've got a great collection of hand bags from around the world. They're my main collectible. Most of these have been gifted to me, and some are one of a kind. I also spent time on roller coasters. Roller coasters are a lot like my blogging habit: up and down and around and guaranteed to get my heart racing when I finally sit down to write/embellish/lie/bs/fib.
What do you like to do to unwind?
I cook up a storm. My stove has had it though, and I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new one I ordered which has an easy-clean bottom so that when something flops when it shouldn't flop, I won't have to clean up the mess around the coils. This easy cleaning feature was the deal breaker. My dishes have been known to flop like my jokes. Just kidding. Ok...no, I'm not.
Do you enjoy twittering?
Absolutely NOT-- Twitter has been taken-over by spammers and celebrities and quotation freak-a-zoids. I include myself in this last category because quotes are easy and friendly. (I'm quite sure I'm offending my twits as I write this, but REMEMBER this is a humor blog!) In truth, I've met some awesome twits through Twitter, and I'm extremely grateful for Twitter. Does this last sentence read *nicer*? Ha! I see you've hooked up your Stumbleupon and Friendfeed account to Twitter.
This is a huge time-saver for me. Now I can keep my Twitter frequently updated. I advise all lazy or busy twits to do the same. See, I just gave you a hot twitter tip!
Do you have anything else useful to share?
Life is short. Live in the Now! Laugh often. Be kind. Dance and sing and play and don't take everything so seriously.
For my fellow ministers/fans/stalkers, I found an image just for you:
Yes, Class, it's ME, the notorious Blog-Blond, your very own blondalicious blog teacher returned from her travels! I'm sure you're weary of hearing alibis for my absence here, so I'll spare you by not giving any. I'll let the caption above speak for me!
My topic today is How To Do Blogs Right.
Rather than blather on about how wrong & boring & stupid & insipid & copycat & sloppy many blogs are, I've decided to focus on blogs that are doing it right!
In forthcoming posts I'll give examples of blogs which are doing it RIGHT and grade them, and thus, *perhaps* you'll learn! (Yes, I know, Blog-Blond could use a make-over too, so don't even go there with me! All in due time. Patience, my little ones. Patience!)
The first blog I've selected for you to examine is Garance Dore.
Now this may sound like a strange name to some of ya, but that's because it's French. I don't know these folks, so there's zero kick back! Sheesh! What kind of teacher do you think I am? I'm certainly not one of those money-grubbing ones who'll try and sell ya an e-book full of garbage for $19.95! I'm more like your secret addiction. Yeh, that's it! I know!
Here's 10 reasons why your blondalicious teacher gives Garance Dore an A+
You can read the blog in BOTH French and English.
The layout is clean & crisp with lots of white space.
The date is easy to see at the top.
The photos are BIG.
It's simple and easy to read. The categories are listed at the top and easy to find.
The author's writing style reeks of personality, exuberance, and authenticity.
Need I add: this blog is stylish!
There are zero typos and/or obvious mistakes.
The advertising by Vogue is subtle and non-intrusive.
Class: I'm sure you're aware many celebrities and personalities use Twitter. I have several twitter accounts--one which is highly classified and secret--the one I use with my celeb buds.
Here's a sampling of your sassy blondalicious teacher's DM's:
Class, this is another one of my famous quickie posts. I wanted to add my two cents to the current debate about social networking, the pros and cons. There have been many blog posts written on this subject matter in recent months since the mad growth of Facebook and Twitter.
If you're questioning whether to jump into social networking, here are my hot social networking tips:
1. You don't need to spend hours and hours on end at these locations. Stick your big toe in the social networking waters and explore little by little. Pick one and begin from there. If you don't like it, pick another. There are plenty to choose from, and each has their own advantages and lures. My inner teenager likes Plurk because of the funny icons and the abundance of Second Lifers using this site.
Your blondalicious teacher doesn't let her precious time get sucked by these sites and doesn't respond to EVERY game, suggestion, invitation, response, or seductive trick. Be selective, discerning, and monitor your time.
Of course, your blondalicious teacher floats everywhere, but that's just me: curious and insatiable.
2. Email isn't where the action is these days. Read Write Web posted the latest research about this subject titled, "Social Networking Now More Popular Than Email, Report Finds." So if you really wanna find out what's going on and get off the bench, social networking is the place to hang.
3. You're zero obliged to give your legitimate name. Use a handle as do many wise ones. When you're running around the Big Wide World of Social Networks, handles are far bettah because you'll encounter everything under the sun and then some on these social networks. Once again, be discerning, cautious, and street smart.
Class, I'm here today to speak about Twitter once again. Twitter has become a huge playground as it's become more known to the mainstream. And like all playgrounds, it has attracted it's gamers, bullies, charlatans, and trouble-makers.
I'm going to share some of the *games* currently popular on Twitter. Perhaps you've experienced them as well if you're on Twitter?
I call these games by the catchall name: Cat and Mouse.
Here's five common games I've encountered:
1. Twits follow and unfollow you many times so they will rise to the top of your follow list and be more visible. The strategy is so others will see them and hopefully follow them. So far I've not blocked any of these tricksters because I wanted to experience how many times a day they perform this move. Eventually, I will block them. BUT I'm curious to see which one has the most follow/unfollow score prior to my doing so.
I won't name the winner, but since I've been observing this strange bot or person or weirdo's game, the winner over the course of a week has followed/unfollowed me 12 times!
Their names and details have been turned over to Uncle Vinnie and his fellahs.
2. Another game is to follow and then immediately block you. This type of gamer has a weird avatar and don't attract many followers for the above reason. Their days are numbered for eventually the Twitter Gods will kick them out, or Uncle Vinnie will pay them a call.
3. A hugely popular Twitter game is to mass follow other people, and then as soon as a twit reaches their 2,000 follower limit, they pause. Once they have enough followers to follow them back, they unfollow all or most of the original followers, and once again repeat the process. This is how they build their twitter follower numbers. They're hoping that their unfollow hasn't been noticed, and frequently the unfollow has been overlooked since people are so very busy these days. These twits names have been dutifully noted as well and turned over to Uncle Vinnie who has his ways.
4. The DM marketing game is huge. If you don't respond to their DM marketing, gifts, invitations to visit their blog and appeals to make money with them, these pests unfollow/drop ya within the week. These folks are strictly working the numbers and are a scourge. Their pushy marketing and desperation won't serve them. Maybe in the year 2012, they'll catch on.
5. By far the most annoying game of all is the one where a twit really wants to catch your attention and flirt, and thus, such twits ask the stupidest, lamest questions in a DM or reply. Since I'm a tough, take-no-prisoners blondalicious diva, I do what I do best: sip more Cristal, roll-over in bed, ignore them and LAUGH!
Class, there are *things* you SHOULD know about the online world. Since some of my naughty students are suckered by tricks, cons and scams, I felt it prudent to remind you:
1. If something is too good to be true, then it generally IS! Trust this rule. For example, if someone tries to convince you that you'll make a pile of monies from blogging, don't buy it. This is one of the biggest come-on's newbies fall for. Maybe if you live til your 100's and work your a** off, you might make some chump change.
2. If someone sends you a link, consider the source. Do you know the blogger or person sending you the link, and are they computer savvy? Are they passing something on to you which you'd rather not have? I make it a practice to open very few forwards or links.
4. There's no such thing as a free lunch. If you're aiming for online success, there are two choices of words: Work! OR Delegate. I prefer to delegate. Study the work of Timothy Ferris and read his book "The 4-Hour Workweek". Semi-retire. Life is short. Simplify.
5. And last but not least, don't put all your eggs in one basket! This cliche is apt in regards to your online presence. Spread out. Use the same avatar. Brand yourself. Don't make enemies because the online global community is much smaller than you can even imagine and growing smaller all the time. Think 'three degrees' of separation!
This is going up on "Humor-blogs.com" even though it's not funny. This post was too much work to be funny.
My library is overflowing with metaphysical books…all of which I’ve read.
I love generous people, and I’m also generous.
Until you spend many years with me, you can’t fathom who I am.
I am single.
My sheets are professionally pressed.
Gifts of healing flow through my hands.
Falling down as a young child and enduring a bad head wound, I became very psychic.
I was adopted as a baby, but my adopted parents kept this a secret from me. I discovered this fact on my own through my psychic gifts which was later confirmed.
Every week I find something to give to someone.
I can smell an agenda or falsity a mile away for I have x-ray vision and sensing.
If someone lies to me, I don’t always call them on their lie. Karma’s a bitch. It catches up with one.
My psychic abilities have been tested by professionals, but I don’t give psychic readings.
Animals gravitate to me as I love them.
I have re-invented myself many times during this lifetime.
This is because I’ve had several near-death experiences which changed me.
My inner child is alive and well and playful.
Though I don’t consume milk products, I make the exception for ice cream cones.
Photography is one of my passions.
Pomposity as displayed by others makes me laugh.
I know enough to ask for help when I need to.
Dancing is much more fun at home with the music turned up.
I am knowledgeable about astrology, numerology, palmistry, dowsing and feng-shui.
If I didn’t live on Maui, I’d live in Ibiza.
I am very good at dealing with invasions of personal space.
I am often called a Muse.
Making people laugh brings me joy.
If I could, I would travel constantly.
I love to capture the essence of a person in portrait photography.
My birth mother was half Cherokee.
Barefoot is how you normally will see me.
If I ever marry again, I will be surprised.
I think our celebrity-obsessed culture is both hilarious and ridiculous. I like to make fun of it.
Mothers that put their children in beauty contests with heavy make-up on freak me out.
Japanese food is my soul-food, and if I start feeling ill, I eat Japanese food, and I immediately feel better.
Great artists, inventors, and humanitarians are whom I admire.
I would like to keep a flat in Paris to visit from time to time.
My best friend is my daughter.
I look a lot younger than my biological age.
De-toxing is something I do daily because of environmental pollution.
My skin has a slight tan. I don’t care for dark tans as they look fake and unhealthy.
Great beauty makes my heart beat faster.
I have met and known many kind people.
Angels are with me all the time.
My non-fiction book about dolphins was published in 1993.
Living in the mountains agrees with me.
When I modeled in my early twenties, I was anorexic.
I love the element of water and love to swim.
People give me mermaid and dolphin gifts a lot.
Collages are something I enjoy creating.
Communing with Nature is necessary for my well-being.
Trust is something you have to earn with me.
Friends tell me I’m a wonderful listener and wise counselor.
I’m a light eater.
A major requirement: I need to be surrounded by beauty.
I prefer quality food, and if I drink, I prefer quality alcohol. Actually, I like the BEST in everything.
Horses, elephants, dogs, dolphins, whales and cats are my favorites.
My goal is to get my MANY blogs to support me. If not all, at least one.
I grew up in a small Indian town in Oklahoma.
The Blog-Blond blog was born out of frustration and the learning curve of blogging innards.
I gained 15 pounds sitting all day & learning how to do html and blog, No more weight gain though. I put a stop to that after I went up a size.
All the details which go into making a GREAT blog drives me just a bit crazy.
Kuanyin isn’t my real name. Duh!
However, I have the greatest of respect for the REAL Kuan Yin.
I take photos every day, and I carry two digital cameras with me everywhere I go.
I have zero desire to be a professional photographer. I’m quite happy being an amateur.
Yes, I live on Maui. Tis true.
I’ve experienced many kinds of love in my life and continue to experience love.
Unconditional love is the best.
I’ve been known to be a bit kinky at times.
I’m working on several books, one of which is a dark humor fiction book based on Maui folk I’ve known.
I love to swing in hammocks.
Watching sunrise and sunset makes me have a happy day.
The world needs to have more balance, more fair-play, and more balanced distribution of the wealth.
We can choose the world in which we live: the mundane, the magical or the miraculous. I prefer the later.
When God handed out mechanical abilities, I was the last person in line.
I am punctual for all appointments and pay my bills on time.
I attract people who are eccentric, different, quirky, odd-ball, rebellious and weird.
Perhaps this is because I am very allowing and non-judgmental.
I like to drive fast cars and boats.
I am an Artisan type according to one of those famous tests.
I prefer silk, bamboo, hemp, cotton and linen fabrics.
World music, ambient, devotional, Celtic, and rhythm and blues music are some of my favorites.
I wanted to move far away from my dysfunctional family, so I married young to do so.
I’ve seen and experienced a lot in my life. It feels as if I’ve already lived multiple lives.
You don’t want to get on my bad side.
I distrust organized religions of all kinds, and thus, I do my own thing and go within.
Candles are a necessity in my life.
It would be easy for me to be a recluse.
My inner life is extremely rich.
I have my fair share of secrets. I don’t trust people who say they don’t have secrets.
I rarely worry.
Sometimes I can be compulsive-obsessive and experience burn-out from my work/passions.
I like a lot of variety.
I can often read other’s minds and thoughts.
I’m lucky.
Yoga and stretching feel great, and I love to stretch and move.
Before there was blogging, I wrote journals. I still write personal journals.
Delicious high-quality goat cheese is one of my power foods.
Class: After many pleading emails from you, I've decided to make a brief appearance and give you one hot blog tip. Yes, I'm posting again, but with much sadness!
This post will go on "Humor-blogs.com".
Yes, Class, it's ME, the notorious Blog-Blond, your very own blondalicious blog teacher returned from her travels! I'm sure you're weary of hearing alibis for my absence here, so I'll spare you by not giving any. I'll let the caption above speak for me!
Class: I'm sure you're aware many celebrities and personalities use Twitter. I have several twitter accounts--one which is highly classified and secret--the one I use with my celeb buds.
Class, this is another one of my famous quickie posts. I wanted to add my two cents to the current debate about social networking, the pros and cons. There have been many blog posts written on this subject matter in recent months since the mad growth of Facebook and Twitter.
Class, I'm here today to speak about Twitter once again. Twitter has become a huge playground as it's become more known to the mainstream. And like all playgrounds, it has attracted it's gamers, bullies, charlatans, and trouble-makers.
Class, there are *things* you SHOULD know about the online world. Since some of my naughty students are suckered by tricks, cons and scams, I felt it prudent to remind you:
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