Tuesday, June 27, 2006

How do the Big Blogs do it?

Yoohooo....class I'm back! I've been on a research journey within the World Wide Weird looking for information to share with you, my devoted students. And do I ever have a lot to share which will assist you in growing your blog! So Listen Up!

First, I have been studying this article posted by one of the bigger boyz, Seth Godin, on his blog about How to get traffic for your blog. Even though he contradicts himself in #11 and #13, I know he did that on purpose, didn't you Seth? You're a naughty boy trying to keep us on our tippy toes, right? Anyway, he offers up lots of goodies for you to study and employ.

If you're wondering why I posted two of the above images, I am following Seth's advice and some other advice as well from another article I read. Seth says in #21: "Use photos. Salacious ones are best." Well, as you know from reading this blog, I told you the same thing about photos and images. HOWEVER, I didn't go so far as telling you to use 'salacious ones'. And I won't tell you to do so now, but hey, EYE CANDY sure does help catch the attention! Thus my photo of a beautiful girl. Eye candy does break up the monotony of a class, eh? (smug smirk)

The second image is of a lucky talisman because I need it for I discovered the cruel truth that (as I suspected) your very adorable Blog-Blond blog is a "Multicellular Microorganism" in the TTLB Ecosystem. I'm just one step up from "insignificant microbes" in Mr. Bear's slambook. But then again, I told you in my own inimitable words that I am just a quark away from you who are probably these insignificant ones. Mr. Bear has proven me right. But hey, thanks to the Angel Luna, I have this information posted about my lowly blog status in my sidebar. I didn't get those crazy pj's as an icon, but that's ok because I can now inform Mr. Bear that I have indeed linked back to him! And I have one other thing going for me that isn't revealed in Mr. Bear's graphs and calculations, I am eye candy! Oh yes, you better believe it!

Back to Seth's suggestions--his number seven one says to "share your expertise generously so people recognize it and depend upon you." Check...I'm doing that Seth! This blog is all about serving and sharing everything I am learning! However, I'm not ready to use your number 14 or 10 suggestions. Not yet, anyway. If I remain at the multicellular microorganism stage much longer, I might be forced to comply with your suggestions and become this devious blond. Will I still love myself when I look in the mirror in the morning? Time will tell.

The second article I want you to read is this one. It'a titled "How to run a sticky blog", and it's written by Mimi, a blogging success and one of my sheroes! Mimi is amazing...her blog is hilarious...and I want to party with her and all of the other sheroes who made it through their blogs someday when I am in their stratosphere. You will find Mimi's blog listed with the other links in my sidebar...it's called Mimi in New York. Her story is very inspiring, but I don't want to take away any of the fun for you of reading it by telling you too much. I will say this: Mimi knows how to be provocative. No, this isn't a p**** blog, but it does have graphic content. So don't say I didn't warn you!

That's it for today class! Since no one guessed the famous man yet, the t-shirt I offered to the winner is still up for grabs. Maybe if I get more savy readers eventually and my hair has turned white, someone will send me the answer. Notice the new gmail addition in my profile. If you want to give it your best shot and guess, go for it or make a comment. Whatever!

Class dismissed! Remember.....tipping is good for me and for you too!

Posted by kuanyin333 at 11:41 AM 1 comments

Friday, June 23, 2006

Our Friday Quickie

Class, I have a hair appointment I have to rush off to, so here's your homework assignment for the weekend:

Do you recognize the famous man in his Halloween costume shown above? The first person that emails me the correct answer will win a Blog-Blond t-shirt that I will be marketing soon in the Blog-Blond Media Center. You can't find the Media Center? It's right under the beautiful header created for me by none other than the amazing, luscious Lunastone!

Second, due yourself a favor this weekend and downland Furl on your computer. It will save you a lot of anguish, angst, anger (what else starts with 'a'? Oh nevermind!) in the future. Back your precious blog up! Send a copy to yourself in an email too! I have my reasons to share this important tip with you...more on that on Monday.

Class Dismissed!

Posted by kuanyin333 at 1:18 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Where You Are Going

Collage by Genvieve

Class-- in the interests of keeping your blogging spirits high, I have decided to balance the depressing picture of blogging reality I shared with you yesterday. Who better to inspire you than your blondalicious cheerleader teacher (wearing flesh-colored thong underwear)? I know everyone of you are over-eager-achievers with genius IQ's that are going to set the blogosphere on fire with your content, promotion and zeal, right? You probably need a good shag, but since you're not getting any, you invest your kundalini fire in your blog, oui? So--ready...set...go! Ra Ra Ra! Sisk Boom Bah...and all that other happy horseshit!

I'm always on the clock, so I'll get right down to business and bottom-line ya. The blogosphere is growing so fast that it's a phenomena! Every dog will have his own blog soon. I'm serious. Cats will never blog, but dogs really want to blog because they're weary of tail-wagging, groveling, making eye-contact so you'll take them on a walk, and being perceived by unconscious humans as merely a pet. Blech! They want to tell you what's really on their minds and in their hearts. Just wait...you'll see!

If you want to get an idea of the growth of the blogosphere, read my buddy David's State of the Blogosphere article on Technorati. Check out those impressive charts. Yup, the BLOG Monster is out of control, and if you get in on the growth now with your fabulous blog(s), you will be one step ahead of your dog in rankings. This is important for your dog's well-being because you need to be the head of the pack. If you're not the head of the pack, your dog becomes extremely dysfunctional. Just watch the Oprah show sometime, and see how she was ruled by her dog until the dog-whisperer taught her the rules of the game. That's funny...Oprah being ruled by her cocker spaniel!

So I'm passing this message onto you...Fly Like The Eagle and blog yo fanny off!

It has been brought to my attention by a savy BRUNETTE that more people than my fan club and close friends would donate to me if they had my email address. Soon I will post my email addie here after I install the meanest spam catcher this side of the Pacific. Until then, save up your shekels for me as I need them.

Class Dismissed!

Posted by kuanyin333 at 10:52 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Blog Big Picture

Class called to order on this beautiful Tuesday. I won't keep you long, as I have a lot to do. So tell me, how did you fare with yesterday's test? Did you cheat and go buy the book Blogging for Dummies by Brad Hill? Or did you perform a bizarre, ancient ritual for good luck with multiple choice questions handed down from generation to generation in your family (on your Mother's side) to pick the answers?

No matter, for we are moving right along with your education. Today I would like you to grasp The Blog Big Picture...hence the illustration I scanned in above. I want you to examine this old drawing of the columns at Luxor, Egypt. See how teensy-weensy the people are at the bottom, and then move your gaze upward and see how gigantic these columns are? Well, my dear class, I am not going to break it to you gently for that is zero my style. Brutal honesty is what you will find here with your blond babe teacher.

Yes, your blog is THAT insignificant, and as a beginning blogger, you rate very, very low on zee old totem pole. Capische? I am so thrilled I don't have to rate you because this arduous task is already being done by others! Mr. Truth Laid Bear has classified the blogging world into categories beginning with the top ranking of Higher Beings and going all the way down to his lowest ranking of Insignificant Microbes. Quite possibly your delicious teacher is squirming around with all the rest of the microbes. I haven't dared look. Maybe one of you brave souls will do so, and then report back to me where all of us are lurking. Since I never figured out how to put his code into my template, maybe he even wiped me off the microbe list. Mr. Bear, I promise you...eventually this blond will get her shit together and one of these days your funky pajamas will be gracing my sidebar.

Another organization for you to join would be Technorati as they also keep score by counting all the links to your blog. It is very gratifying to see your score getting better every day if you are obsessed by these kinds of things. Of course, your score isn't going to get better if you don't work your tush off, so with that said, I gotta run. Tata darlings. Hit that donate button. Did I forget to say thank you, thank you, thank you? How sorry am I for my forgetfulness. I thank each and everyone!

Posted by kuanyin333 at 11:45 AM 0 comments

Monday, June 19, 2006

Testing Time

Class, Listen Up! Your blondissimo teacher has been sorely tested as of late with certain "entities" causing her much grief. In order to alleviate some of my obsession with said grief, I have decided to pass a small portion of my personal "testing" onto you. Yes, it's TIME for a multiple choice test. Don't go hyperventilating on me or have a major meltdown. You know that I do "simple-speak" so this test should be really easy for you, and then your day is free. So here goes:

1. The meaning of RSS is:
a. Really Stupid Shit
b. Really Simple Syndication
c. Really Slimy Scourge

2. The meaning of moblog is:
a. I wanna read mo blogs
b. mob blogs are after me
c. mobile blogging

3. The meaning of html is:
a. Happy Turtle Makes Links
b. Hypertext Markup Language
c. Hungover To Monday Leverage

4. The meaning of link love is:
a. lustful email message
b. lovers link up
c. reciprocal linking

5. The meaning of "to fisk" is:
a. To viciously attack a blog post of another
b. slang for f***
c. Similar to airport security frisking

6. The meaning of blogroll is:
a. rolling your blog down a hill
b. rolling your blog up a hill
c. favorite friends listed on your site

7. The meaning of blogstipation:
a. frequent problem that comes from sitting too much while writing your blog
b. serious shit which bloggers hide
c. blogging blahs

8. The meaning of spamblog is:
a. robot's revenge
b. zero hand-written content
c. snide way to screw with someone's blog

9. The meaning of template is:
a. temporary plate of food set at your computer by concerned family members
b. set of design elements wend through your blog
c. that scary box full of weird stuff

Did you happen to notice the lovely collage I displayed above? Let's just say this: photos speak volumes. Don't you agree?

Class dismissed! On your way out, don't forget the tip jar!

Posted by kuanyin333 at 1:03 PM 1 comments

Friday, June 16, 2006

Taking the Blogging Bull By The Horns

Listen Up Class:

I'm gonna make my lesson of the day short and sweet because today is TGIF, and today I lunch with the ladies. I must remove these blogging chains from time to time--and so must you! And yet, new evidence suggests that if you keep a journal every day, this is How You Turn Yourself Into A Genius. Read all about this fascinating study here.

This article by columnist Ken Korczak should inspire you blogging dummies--it put a fire under my ass. After all, I am just one quark different from you which implies a lot if you think about it. Try not to think about it too much though.

The people mentioned in this article were the forerunners of bloggers. We stand on the shoulders of these dedicated daily journal-ers. Is there such a word? Once I blog enough, maybe I will become a genius and discover if there are such words, and who knows, maybe I will invent new words such as this silly sounding one: journal-ers. Or how about blogger-ers? Maybe one of my students will be the next Einstein or Hawking! Maybe we will all become genius-es! Imagine that! Hah! Thought provoking for sure.

As you can clearly see from the above paragraph, I am overwrought, spent and possibly hung-over. I desperately need to remove these chains that bind, relax and have my lunch with the ladies. So your homework is to Take The Bull By The Horns.... jump your lean, athletic bodies over this beast of blah... and blog until class resumes on Monday. Hopefully by then, your IQ will meet (at the very least) the height of your dog or cat. Don't tell me you have a mouse! Get outta here!

Class Dismissed! Oh, don't forget my donation lil dahlinks. Martinis on Maui? Got it?

Posted by kuanyin333 at 8:52 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

He said....She said "I Told You So!"

Class listen up...I'm going to share something with you I don't tell very many, but you need to understand why I preach blogging with such evangelical fervor. I saw it coming...the blogosphere, that is! This vision of the blogosphere came during my lifetime in France.

Back in the day of Napoleon...you do remember him right? I (yes, your very own delicious Blog-Blond) was one of his brilliant advisors, mostly imparting information to him through pillow talk. However, when he was away on one of his many campaigns to conquer the world, I often sent my staff to convey my inspired ideas, dreams, downloads, gossip, need for more francs, etc. Since I was then (and still am now) a time-traveler, I foresaw this much easier way for people to communicate with each other besides quills, messengers, spies on horses and what not. I foresaw the blogosphere in all its glory! So I immediately dispatched my trusted aide with this important news to Napoleon's grody encampment.

Alas, as you can see from the above depiction of this historic event, Napoleon just didn't get it! He may have been good between the sheets (although he was a little man, he wasn't little down there if you catch my drift), but he was kinda deficient in the brain cell department, ya know? Some of my most brilliant ideas he never grasped. So I wasn't really too shocked when he blew it all and was sent away. By then I had already buddied up with another head honcho (who happened to reincarnate as Oleg Cassini in this lifetime), so my ass wasn't grass like his. I met and had another affair with Napoleon once again in this lifetime, and sad to say, he still doesn't get it, although he has been successful acquiring fame, fortune, expensive homes, lots of beautiful damsels...and notoriety.

Don't make me have to tell YOU my adorable students: "I told you so". It's wearisome to keep repeating myself lifetime after lifetime. As a muse, I've had enough of Groundhog Day, as in the movie version...you know, it's even hard for me to watch that movie because of the boring nitwit that took so long to get with the program.

Check out the beginning of my new Media Center on your way out once you've done the obligatory tipping for your brilliant teacher. See how she's making the news and what goodies and perks she gets from blogging. Maybe this will inspire you!

Class dismissed!

Posted by kuanyin333 at 12:35 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Ok class, Listen Up! Let your photos speak volumes for your blog! If you have to cut and paste the old fashioned way as your beloved teacher did with the above photo to make herself perfectly clear, then do it. As you know, most people don't wanna read anyway...they just wanna look at the pictures, right? Oh, I know people claim they want content, but do they really? I can site many examples of popular blogs that have zero value and almost no text. Give me your feedback with your comments. I want to know if you like this lipstick shade above. Tell me true... is it too bright, too come-hither? Will I look too naughty when I run errands? Does it convey a tarty image? I want to hear everything. I promise I won't stomp on you with my single black stiletto! I don't know where the matching one went to. Did you take it?

For those that don't know about comments, see that itsy bitsy little thing that vaguely resembles a pencil at the bottom of this posting. This is where you will leave your insights, gripes and revelations. Since the moderator (which would be me in this case) can approve or disapprove of what you write, you may or may not see your pithy remarks posted on my blog. Lately the oh-so-kinky prose written to me has been deemed unsuitable for worldwide publication by me, your Scandalous Censor. Isn't that great that I can censor you? It's quite understandable that you wanna see my stilettos, and someday I might make your wish come true and post a photo. Or maybe not. Maybe I will just frolick on the beach some more so I can be photographed by the paparazzi in my Versace bikini. No, no....really, I want to post photos. I've been restraining myself, so I could actually teach you something, but maybe I have been kidding myself.

So have you been posting away? Have you posted at least five times? If so, let's go get you enrolled at Blogexplosion. What's that I hear you say? Why, my dears, it's your chance to see how the big boyz and girlz do it! I want you to go there and sign up and surf around. After looking over the competition, you may feel inspired to spiff up your blog, tidy up all those gadawful spelling errors and do as I say today...add pictures, pictures, pictures!

Class Dismissed...Don't Make Me Have to Say It! Ok...hint: the word starts with D.

Posted by kuanyin333 at 5:15 PM 1 comments

Sunday, June 11, 2006

I Think...Therefore I'm Single

If there were ever days to be OVERJOYED that I'm in the ranks of the unmarried, these are the days. I'm unimpressed with marriage in general and with certain people in particular. Single is where it's at for me for now. But nevermind my murky Full Moon mood, let's begin your blogging lessons. I trust you have been posting every other day or so when you can pull yourself away from more important pursuits such as...oh, I'm not even going there. I'm NOT your mother, unless you had one that favored black vinyl catsuits and stilettos.

Numero uno teaching of the day: do not post your email or your friend's emails in your blog. The same goes for your enemies emails unless you wanna housecall or some freakish accident. Those hungry crawling spiders gobble up this info. Trust me, these critters are real. The karma for this misdeed is severe.

Second teaching: TRY to keep on topic. Pick a subject as I have done with this blog...which is teaching blogging to dummies. If you log onto Blog-Blond Class, know that I'm teaching you something of value in regards to blogging or real-world etiquette and protocol. I won't be going off about relationships, EXCEPT when I am trying to get your attention.

Third, work those entry titles! Entry titles have SOMETHING important to convey about what you are posting. I see your smirks! Remember, I've got my eye on you! And you're wondering how my title of the day pertains to teaching the abc's of blogging to dummies. I'm so glad you asked with those stupid smirks. And I'll tell you straight. Of course, this is ONLY my theory, and it may be disproven any moment by some whacked blog scientist, but here goes: blogging takes a certain amount of brainpower. Even if one is not overflowing with oodles of brain matter, you have to think to write a half-way decent blog. So if you can think enough to write a blog, you can think enough to find a gadzillion ways to remain single. Simple logic.

Fourth: if you have any extra cognitive enhancer smart pills, throw some my way. I have been blogging too much... thinking too much... staying single too much, and if you expect me to carry-on as your teacher, you'll feel compassion. I'm exhausted, because as fabulous and action-packed as it was, being a blogging buddy to Paris Hilton has worn me down! We moblogged from Southbeach to Vegas to Beverly Hills and everywhere in between.

Fifth: name drop as much as you want in your blog as long as you don't say anything libelous or truly mean. How do they know you're not Lindsay Lohan's best friend of the moment?

Sixth: think, stay single, and blog your fanny off. It'll be cheaper in the long run.

Class dismissed. You know the drill...hit that donate button on your way out.

Posted by kuanyin333 at 6:33 PM 0 comments

Friday, June 09, 2006

In & Out, Up & Down, Over & Out

Many of you may have noticed that Blogger was being repaired today, and thus, if you were trying to post your blog, you met with resistance as did I. Today your Smart-ass Teacher met resistance in more ways than not being able to sashay into class or to blog. I experienced how you must feel most of the time which isn't a good feeling at all! Dummie-land is a lonely, hungry place, and I yearned for lemon-drop martinis (the kind Oprah makes for her la-ti-da Legends Ball) and gigantic bags of Doritos with guacamole and golf balls to sail off the roof to comfort myself.

I became aware of the immense task I have assigned myself as your teacher for I too have so much to learn. If I am to stand tall as your teacher, I have to step up to the plate, learn this shit and actually know whereof I teach. Yes, your semi-cranky, semi-irreverent, semi-sassy lass was herself in school today. Sad as that may read to you, and as painful as it was to me with my brain cells still frazzled from all the input, it was worth it. Well, almost. It is clear that if I am to be a creative blog-her, I will need to delegate most of this insanely techie stuff to those that are made for this job. In other words, techie work is where their core genius resides, and I shall pass on to you what I do best, my core genius. More about that later as I want to share my vision.

The vision was something like this I recall, but I wouldn't bet on it because my brain cells were scrambled, and I was more than delirious. This is the best I can do to reconstruct my epiphany. Listen up. The chief Blogging Archangels teach the Blogging Angels who in turn teach the Blogging Earth-Angel Teachers who in turn teach people like YOURS TRULY who teach you, the lowest rung of the blogging dummies. However, if you can find a bigger dummie than you, you're more than welcome to teach them. I understand one of my students (who's not the shiniest marble in the bag) spent three hours teaching one such cretan. This just goes to show that there's always someone worse off than ourselves as our mothers always told us. Remember?

Maybe you will get lucky. If you stumble across a bigger dummie than yourself and actually teach them how to blog, this humanitarian act could be the miracle which will get you on the Oprah Show. You never know when the Faery Godmother of the World might want to have you on as her guest for this amazing feat. You DO know you have to be a major miracle to get on her show...unless, of course, you are famous or beautiful or have serious negative karma with her (and her staff of psychics have sniffed this out already and know it will shame you which will eventually play out live on her show bringing her an even bigger viewing audience and monies, but not quite as much as God Herself).

The point is: I'm only ONE step up from you. Sad, but oh so true! Today I was once again the dense student trying to grasp and apply tedious technical information. The pain of it brought your beautiful, sexy teacher to her knees. And I prayed. I resisted all the earlier mentioned comforts, and I prayed and studied. And I studied some more... so I could pass on my knowledge to you. I learned about screen resolutions (yech!) and hidden RSS feeds in Blogger that one has to toggle (yech!) and technorati tags and codes up the ying-yang (triple yech!) and how to add comments in Word Press, which is way more challenging than Blogger. Just try adding photos to Word Press, and you will want to sail buckets of golf balls if you don't have any knives around. Trust me. I fired off more of my famous Help Letters, and my blogging angel teachers responded. They were my life boys and girls, and I will be yours all rolled into one. Kvetch Over. Don't forget the tip box on your way Out.

Posted by kuanyin333 at 12:00 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Missed me, didn't ya?

Ok, so I didn't show up for class yesterday! Bite me. I know you dweebs were wondering what I was up to. Since I don't owe you any 'splanations,I will only share there was business to attend to, as I have a life outside this blog! Now that I'm refreshed and ready to roll, let's begin:

Here's my two euros worth about what makes a great blog. First of all, I am picky-picky-picky. Yes, I make mistakes from time to time, and I am mortified when I do so. After all, the whole world can read the mistake. Isn't that enough to give one nightmares? A great blog is one with NO MISTAKES...or very few...and not very often. Great blogging is like anything else. If you're going to blog, put your best effort forth. Pour your passion into it. Work it, baby! If your eyes are crossed from blogging, take a break. Your blog isn't going anywhere UNTIL you push the magic button that says publish. You may find a mistake that eluded you before. The bad blogging faeries love to pull this classic trick on bloggers: now you see it, now you don't. Or did you really? Maybe you were imagining it. No, it's really there. Ha-ha, you've been had by the bad blogging faeries. You really did make a huge spelling idiot out of yourself.

Second, be REAL. Don't b.s....don't think you are clever and will get away with it. Remember, my BLOG-BLOND-BOND eye is upon you. Sociopaths are profiled and oh-so-visible. Bring candor to your postings. YOU have to show-up in your posting. It's ok to be a super hero or whatever you fancy, but truly live that super hero and flesh out your character. Make me buy your alterego.

Third, I don't like LONG blogs. I don't care if you are announcing the most important discovery since the universe began. KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid. I am bored with long posts, and you won't find me checking out your blog again. Bottom-line me, and make it fast. Dazzle me with cute pictures like this blog . They were the People's Choice Winner of the 2006 Webby Awards. Cute Overload is their name, and I subscribe to them so I can get my Daily Dose of Cuteness with my coffee first thing in the morning. Ya see, the teacher does have a soft, mushy spot. Who would guess?

Fourth, if you are pissed-off, take a break and don't go a-blogging. Ya hear me! Same goes if you've been out partying and had four Grande Super Extra Enormous margaritas plus several tequila shooters and some other shit in ya that you can't even remember. Blog Not in your condition. This is an order. Go to bed. Blog sober, straight and mellow. You're outta here if I read one of your dumb-ass blogs when you're out-of-it with anger, revenge, drunk or whatever.

Fifth, be a little daring, a little controversial. Excite me. Surprise me. And while you're at it, post a photo or drawing...something, anything to catch my attention. You know how I hate to be bored! For example, in the first paragraph of this post, instead of writing the word 'explanations', I chose to write it this way which I am sure would force your english teacher to wet her panties: 'splanations. A little of this spice can go a long way, so throw it in with restraint.

Class dismissed. Don't forget to tip the teacher on your way out. Frankly, you owe me. I wouldn't be real if I wasn't doing some guilt tripping, now would I?

Posted by kuanyin333 at 2:02 PM 1 comments

Sunday, June 04, 2006

From the students with a million alibis

Just in case any of my students are finding themselves without anything better to do than to read what their prolific teacher is up to, here is my weekend smack:

Not one of you happened to remark that the cartoon figure of an earlier posting had no arms! That slipped right past you, didn't it? I was hoping one of you would make a comment, but nooooooo! This was a test of your observational skills, and you all get a big effing F! The concept for you lamebrains was this: you can't write if you don't take your hands out of your potato chip bags and actually move them over to the computer keys and type something. This is what a writer does....she moves his/her lightening fast fingers over the computer keyboard with grace, skill, passion and delight. Try it sometime, it really won't hurt you. Now repeat after me: IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME!

And when you finish programming yourself with this saying, I double-dare you to say this one three times in a row very fast: Blog-Blond Bond. Yes, I am a relative of the famous James Bond, and I've got my eye on you!

I can't say class dismissed because this is a weekend, and you should be doing your homework instead of reading this. If you're wondering, the photo is a scrumptious gift to your fabulous teacher from a savvy student. Some bring food, and some donate money. Your teacher appreciates all of it!

Posted by kuanyin333 at 1:20 PM 0 comments

Friday, June 02, 2006

Thank Goddess It's Friday

Now I see from talking with several of my students, we have to clear up a misconception about blogging and making money from your blog(s). Before we move ahead with the abc's of blogging for dummies, get your heads out of your a**** and remember the PURPOSE or INTENTION for your blog is to communicate! You're wordsmiths, remember? If anyone but your dog or your great auntie is going to read your blog or look at your lame photos, you must have something to say or show. CONTENT! Got it! We must never forget this as bloggers: we are artists or photographers or wordsmiths or agents of some weird cult, but we are communicators first and foremost. I know you don't want me to think you're schnooks, so get with the program. Stop reading all those blogging for money websites, and listen to your snarky teacher!

Your homework assisgnment is this: go to your local bookstore (or order it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble if you wanna)and purchase/read the classic "Writing Down the Bones" with the subtitle "Freeing the Writer Within" by Natalie Goldberg. This invaluable book is out in an expanded edition with a new preface and afterword by the author. This book has sold over a million copies the back cover says, and I believe it, even thugh I don't believe most hype. Why you ask? Because it's inspirational, and and it's way zen and flows with grace! Reading it will help you remember why you wanted to write or create in the first place! No, Natalie's not my relative or friend (yet), but I wouldn't mind having her as either.

Another good suggestion: check out this website: www.myfavoriteword.com Begin with the letter "a" if you're really anal, and feed on the words. Say them outloud and let them roll off your tongue and drip down your chin like a juicy peach. Select something that gets you excited, and then write with a word or words. Hell, write a damned book over the weekend. Maybe you'll finally impress me. Whatever you do, stop counting your chickens before they hatch and dreaming about all the money you are going to make as a blogger and WRITE! Bragging about your homework success in the comments below will take my edge off , although don't expect me to answer as I am too busy writing my blogs.

Now get to it! On your way out, notice the handy-dandy DONATE icon on the upper left sidebar? It's activated and ready to rock 'n roll. Since I didn't post an Amazon.com ad here, it's the least you could do for your teacher.

Class dismissed.

Posted by kuanyin333 at 4:34 PM 0 comments

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Babe Blogette Wear

It has been brought to my attention by my assistant that I have forgotten to advise about the All Important Blogging Attire. So I have done a rough sketch for babe blogettes today. Tomorrow or whenever I feel like it, I will do guys. I only have so much time in my day to write after all.

Examine the picture above as I explain:

From the bottoms up, we will go:

1. Of Great Importance: Faery Shoes with tinkling bells on the toes for inspiration. If you can't find any of these, contact me, and I'll post the name of a store. If you don't want to spend your moolah, you can make your own. If you don't want to make your own, you're ok with barefeet if you absolutely must. The important thing is to feel your Muse in your feet.

2. Baggy Silk Victoria Secret pajama bottoms of a color that inspires you.

3. Baggy Silk top that doesn't match the bottoms and turned inside out for good writing luck. Make sure the sleeves don't get caught in your publishing tools.

4. Trinkets and talismans worn around the neck. Lots of them. One of them ABSOLUTELY must be a quality product that protects you from yukky radiation.

5. Protective anti EM Blogger Designer sunglasses. I can't tell you where to get these as this is my own proprietary design.

6. Chin Strap! This serves two purposes...one is to keep your mouth closed ABOUT your work (No phone calls to TALK about your work!Ya hear me!) and second, to keep all the munchies from going in your mouth and traveling down to your tummy and hips and setting up camp. It's ok if you're overweight, but don't use the art of blogging to make that happen. Blame it on something else like your metabolism, stress, middleage, or whatever else. I'm sure you've already got some of these ready-to-go.

7. Keep your locks flowing. You want the wisdom of Solomon before he was shorn as you create your masterpiece. If you have short hair, mess it up.

I didn't mention the detail called : The Chain That Binds. I should warn you about blogging. It's terribly addictive, and you will find yourself blogging in your sleep. The "chain that binds" is not a metaphor. It's a harsh truth, kinda like those pictures of your brain on drugs.

Class Dismissed

Posted by kuanyin333 at 2:18 PM 0 comments

Apples are NOT ORANGES

Ok, class! I am going to diverge a bit from the abc's of beginning blogging for dummies. The topic today will be GETTING YOUR TERMINOLOGY RIGHT! This subject is prompted by an email from a student who obviously doesn't understand the difference between "link back" and "TrackBack"! Maybe you don't either. The latter is the correct wording: TrackBack! It's a one-word apple, and NOT an orange! Got that?

I will re-print a portion of the email at the end of the post for several reasons. The gal obviously needs a plug for her blog, and since she used her desperation and creativity, she deserves a plug. HOWEVER, she made some mistakes (including the last sentence in her email which doesn't even make sense. What was she smoking up there in the Rockies anyway? Or is she just another writer who needs to edit herself? I'll let you ponder this one.)Her obvious Number One Blunder is not understanding how TrackBacks work and EVEN the correct name.

First of all, since she is using Blogger.com, she couldn't do a trackback if she wanted to! It would be a miracle since Blogger doesn't even have it available. The more advanced platforms like Movable Type, TypePad, WordPress and Radio UserLand include TrackBack as an option. Pro-bloggers are the primary users of trackbacks because they have an ENORMOUS need for attention and readership, and that is why they got so damned good at blogging in the first place.

So what you ask is a TrackBack? For one thing, it's not as bad as having a tack in your back. Har har! Seriously, it's close. I'ts like this: someone wants to get in on the action, and so instead of leaving a comment at the bottom of your blog (as you can easily do with Blogger), they leave their remarks about your post embedded into their post. Pretty sneaky, eh? The TrackBack is INVISIBLE to the writer's readers, but not to the ORIGINAL WRITER'S BLOG where it magically appears on the bottom as a TrackBack. Don't ask me how this happens. It has something to do with circles, computer magic and the craving to get connected.

I'm not ready to do a TrackBack yet either, dear confused beginner blogger, if that makes you feel any better. I have just begun my first WordPress blog this week, and already I am throwing things around my home, and my cat is ducking for cover. Lightening is flashing across a once-clear blue sky whenever I try to make photos work for this blog!

Here's the abbreviated email that I mentioned above. Try not to smirk and feel superior. Give this beginner blogger some love and go check out her new blog (www.funwithmaggie.blogspot.com) if you have time after you have done your blogging homework. Need I say it again, WRITE! Class diss-missed! Yes, I spelled that right!

The Email:

Just read 'Size Matters' on your Blond Blog. You crack me up. But IT absolutely DOES matter!

Here is a new HEADLINE for your Blog....

MAKING IT BIG ...........

Sixty year old woman, Maggie Stone, decides to start life over in the Colorado Rockies.
Unable to find work, in a desperate attempt to 'make it' no matter what, gets a Big Foot costume and rents herself out for summertime, outdoor parties for the low price of $100 per night.

Ms. Stone guarantees to scare the daylights out of your guests, but also remarks that the costume is NOT bullet proof and performs in rural locations only. Her goal is to expand her business by next summer and get a 'baby Big Foot' costume and hire a greedy, deranged child. Everyone knows that mother's with babies can get very tempermental.

Can we get that link back? Yours and mine?

Posted by kuanyin333 at 8:59 AM 0 comments