Wishing all of you the Merriest of Chrissmakka's and Noel Nosh's! I will have much to report about my caroling, my brunch with Mrs. Claus, and I'm working on my "Blog-Blond's Top 10 Best Things in Blogdom in 2006" posting as well. Don't do anything I wouldn't do today! You know what that means!
OK class...I'm gonna share a lil secret with ya. And it's not about my brunch with Mrs. Claus for the re-telling of that will be on another post. (Hint: he's not that into her anymore, but she's cool with this!) This is about my buddy Dave Taylor's email which arrived this morning in my crowded email box. Actually, I'm surprised I read it because there are so many things on my LIST to do, and sometimes I wait on the more serious reads if you know what I mean. I subscribe to Dave Taylor's blog because he's a smarty pants, and I learn a lot from him. Today I learned about his hazardous drive home to try and reach his family for Christmas which touched my heart and ALSO about his wise tip about Harry Potter!
What is that you say? Yes, this is why I have titled my posting the way I did. You can blame it all on Dave Taylor--bless his blogging heart as he sat in some miserable motel in podunk New Mexico fretting about making it home in time for Christmas in snowed-in Colorado. So he titled his blog with the Harry Potter title "with the intent of hopefully ranking well in the search engines for the book title. Have a look at the entry and see if you can catch how I'm trying to get maximal search engine placement for the title." Great idea, I said to myself. I shall co-opt this title and simply add exclamation marks instead of a question mark. This isn't illegal, is it? This is what students do: we copy the masters! This is my BIG blogging tip to you for Christmas. Copy what the successful ones do!
So I did what Dave kindly asked me to do like a schmoo, and then of course, you know what happens next, right? You're off on another surfing adventure, and an hour later and many cups of cappuccino delivered to you by your love slave, you've barely begun to read the rest of your email. Oy Vey! What's a blogging fool to do but go where the arrows point and/or the crumbs left by adorable Tisha? This is why I don't dare go near computers all the time. Got me? I get caught and addicted! Then my BFF has to drag me kicking and screaming away to go shopping. Imagine!
Anywho, I got lead into J. K. Rowling's website where I've never been before. Have you? It's quite magical and tricky...and once you get there, you find yourself being led further and further into the dark woods of her imagination and/or her website designer. I was trapped fer sure! Thank Goddess, there are angels!
Truth be told, I've never read a Harry Potter book before. Have you? However, maybe it's time for me to catch up on my reading, and so I'll put myself into the Amazon wait-list for this one. I heard that Harry is going to get killed off soon so that J.K. can finally retire with all her loot and either become England's answer to Saint Oprah or travel the world on a mega yacht giving her books away to savages. I can't say I blame her (about retiring, that is) because she's been working-it for so many years it boggles my brain. And yet the babe still looks good whenever I catch her on the tube, which makes me suspect she has elves working for her like Santa!
Good Tidings, Blog-Blondistas!
I'm being dragged away---(owwww, that hurts!) I hope Dave makes it home safely!
Basic set-up: Santa's tres expensive Hickey Freeman suit is neatly placed on the mahogany valet near the bed because he will soon be off to Wall Street to distribute their mega bonus's. He is wearing red silk pajamas (with an elastic waist) which I have graciously provided for his comfort. No hat. No slippers. No underwear. Just pajamas.
I am wearing my tres expensive ivory cashmere robe from Neiman Marcus-- the color looks good with my wheat-colored hair and canary diamonds. No hat, slippers or underwear. Mrs. Claus is off shopping somewhere.
We are noshing on vanilla organic goat cheese yogurt, blinis, and sharing a bottle of Cristal (that's tres expensive champagne for those of you who don't know). I'm mouthing off a bit to Santa because frankly, he could do more for the poor people.
Claus: I hear you've been very naughty this year. I see you haven't straightened up your act.
Blog-Blond: Hey, one of these days, my act will pay off. You'll see--just like those friends ofyours, the banksters/gangsters of Wall Street. Have a little faith in me Claus.
Claus: I'm gonna lay some Gold Eagles on you this year because the economy isn't looking so good, and I know how much you love your luxuries. Keep em around--just in case.
Blog-Blond: Yeh, what's the deal anyway! The euro's up, the dollar's down and all around the country people are getting foreclosed on. Where are your super powers when everyone need them?! We need more trickle-around economics than the paltry trickle-down economics which are helping the rich to get richer and the poor more poor. Lay some of those Gold Eagles on everyone. I want everyone to have a Merry Christmas. What's going on with you anyway? I thought Santa was supposed to gift everyone!
Claus: Well, I admit it--I haven't been much into the Christmas Spirit in many a year. I try to give everyone what they want, but the rich simply ask for more with louder voices. That's my job...give people what they want! What am I to do? The poor aren't greedy and loud enough. They write letters asking for iPods, food and shelter while the rich DEMAND and COMMAND islands and new jets. My job is overwhelming--the squeakiest wheels get the grease to use an obnoxious but true cliche.
Blog-Blond: I get where you're coming from. The poor have lost their power, and their self-esteem is so low they don't have enough energy to demand loudly and demand more like the rich do. This scenario has to be changed!
Claus: Well, what do you propose? You're a brilliant lass. Surely you have some ideas.
Blog-Blond: Looking at history, I can tell you what doesn't work!Stealing land, babes andmoney (ye old raping and pillaging) from others just gives you bad karma to wipe out in yetanother million lifetimes. We have to come up with some concept which will bring balance to the world economies and more justice. By the way, I dig your new glasses--very hip. It seems Santa isn't hurting for money, style or the finer things in life. (Said in a sarcastic tone!)
Claus: Ya know I have to look the part. Those raggedy-old red suits with the ugly black belt and clunky boots! Puhlease! I donated all of those atrocious items to Salvation Army years ago.
Blog-Blond: Errr....Claus...are you gay? Like ya know....more than jolly old Saint Nick?
Claus: What if I am?
Blog-Blond: Zero problem with this! My gripe is primarily with inequity. I'll put some thought to it and text mail you some of my ideas. You'd better get dressed and moving because Christmaka is calling. I hear those loud voices too!
Ok Class: I was tagged by Tisha to play this game and list Six Weird Things About Me. I have struggled with this game, and here's why: I am so d****** weird naturally that I have pondered what others might find "weird" about me which I just take for granted as being normal for me. At first, I was planning to do a little 'show and tell', but then I couldn't rustle up my objects. They were nowhere to be found, even though I have scoured my home. I must tell you: I have a big home, so they're probably hiding in some drawer somewhere. Thus, I had to change mySix Weird Things About Me plan, and now I've got this grand idea: what if I were to simply re-arrange random bits of information about myself to make me seem 'weird' by otherpeople's standards?Is this cheating? I don't know what the ethics of this game are, so since Blog-Blond's philosophy is that what is called so-called "reality" really isn't real anyway, who cares?! Do you follow the logic? So here goes (after this long-winded preface):
1. I play Fafarazzi with my native country women/men. However, since we're so celebrity-obsessed and since we all want to win, we all cheat, and that's why we make celebrities do unusual/abnormal things with our minds. Don't ask me how we do this. It's a trade secret.
2. I gave many pairs of vibrating panties from Booty Parlor as Christmas gifts this year. Anonymously.
You know... Let's all come together, for peace. Love is all there is!
Check the following link for a great flash presentation on this event: http://www.globalorgasm.org/demo.html
Then visit the main site at: http://www.GlobalOrgasm.org
The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy.
The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.
The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.
Global Orgasm is an experiment open to everyone in the world.
The results will be measured on the worldwide monitor system of the Global Consciousness Project.
This is the First Annual Winter Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace, leading up to Winter Solstice of 2012, when the Mayan Calendar ends with a new beginning.
And here is a video from the visioneers of this event "Baring Witness": http://www.globalorgasm.org/video_lg.html"
Class, this is right up my alley since it is so silly. You can now vote for the Sexiest Geek at Body Hack.
The last I looked Jade Raymond (a beautiful lady geek) was winning. I checked them all out, and all looked great. However, I liked what Tom Szaky is doing with his hair and his companyTerracycle. He's got them both going on!
I just returned from Miami Basel, and I viewed lots of art I want for Christmas such as the expensive Wangechi Mutu pieces. Do ya think you could put some of those under my tree for free?
I've not been a very good girl. I wear naughty underwear--I tease--I lie a lot and embellish for a good story--I am tricky, sly, and overt, BUT I'm also truthful, candid, in-your-face for a good cause and not one to be messed with. Does this combination make me a candidate for some good art gifts? Or not? Please let me know so I can suck-up to the right fella and not waste any more of my time with you if you're not going to fetch this art for me, ok?
Class, are you still here? I never know where you are anymore. If you aren't here, well then--where are you? It's hard to say after so many eggnogs, isn't it? Oh well, I will contribute something today before I head off for a weekend shopping jaunt to Paris. There have been SO many questions about blogging and about my native country I really don't know where to begin.
First, let me say this: yes, we love brunettes too. Even though blonds do tend to outnumber the brunettes, we aren't prejudiced at all. Sometimes we blonds even change our hair color to other colors for the fun of variety and something to blog about besides bitching about others and/or self-promotion. We have taken our cue from most celebrities in that if we can't get arrested, we change our hair color or style. This tactic works every time.
Second, the more RAW a blog, the better. When I'm talking raw, I'm NOT talking about porno. That is so passe. I'm talking about revealing our innermost thoughts & feelings on a blog.This is what gets a blog a readership following.
Third, tacky is big in blogging as YouTube has proven a million times over. I adoretacky and wackyand especially together, such as in this little gift from me to you from YouTube. Titled "Janice Dickinson Twelve Days of Christmas", I believe you'll see what I mean when you watch this masterpiece!
Class, you have inundated my email box with your questions about yesterday's posting, and I'll do my best to answer them all---eventually. Most of you wanted to know about the blogging tips I shared with my countrymen/women. Here are a few of my favs:
1. K.I.S.S. which I will interpret for the blogging newbies as Keep It Superficial Sweetie. In other words, keep your blog as superficial as possible for upmost popularity. Mention the blond divas like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson as frequently as possible. The more you follow this advice, the more read(red) your posts will be. I have done my research, and I know whereof I write. If I were to refer to string theory, quantum physics or anything even close to being intellectual (which I have done so in my past), my blog popularity plummets. That is why it is important to dish about the divas. No one wants to read anything else but why and how Paris and Britney get out of limousines without their panties--this is a very hot subject. Trust me! Go figure!
2. Be incorrigible. I know this is a HUGE word for most of you, so I will also interpret this for you: be as naughty as possible and be unrepentant about it. Slutty seems to sell! Slutty seems to get people through the night. Don't ask me why.
If you follow these two main blogging rules, you will have a successful blog! Mediocrity, a**-kissing, name-dropping and lots of photos of celebrities are what sells. I will give you more fabulous tips in my next posting.
Many of you have asked where my country is geographically located, and I will give you a link to it because you are unfamiliar with it. This link won't exactly show where we're atbecause we're a closely guarded secret country, smaller than the Vatican even. However, the link will give you a kinda general area. There is no way you can enter our country unless you've been invited, but once you get past the doormen, you'll never want to leave. Why? Because our country knows how to have F.U.N. which means Fabulous,Uninhibited, Nuttiness. We're so far left of Left (as in political left) we don't even have politics. The ONLY myth we believe in is the one we create in the moment. I already mentioned money in my last posting. We have lots of it! Of course, it goes without saying, if you're a politician, mental health professional, country western singer (with an exception for Dolly Parton!), or MOST professionals, you won't be invited! We don't want anyone coming into our country screwing with us and our F.U.N.!
Here is the link to about where our country is (we are nearby, but not on any maps): Strange Maps
If you read the article accompanying this map, you will read this, "This is where it gets really weird: this Drielandenpunt once was a Vierlandenpunt ('quadrinational point')--the only one in the world ever, to my knowledge." Well, our country Blondissigaya is the unknown and well-kept secret country which makes us the Quintirational(pun)t. This gives you some idea of why we're so healthy, happy, holy and secretive.
Yoohoo Class, your absentee teacher is back and with a BIG Smile on her face! Did ya miss me? Of course, you did! The Blogging Blues had me so down in the dumps that I needed a trip back home to my native country where I am an internationalpseudostar. In my native country of Blondissigaya, I am hugely popular and have received the Entertainer of the Year award a record of ELEVEN times, no small feat considering that in my country everyone is a superstar and have their own television shows--something that will eventually catch on in America which is just a tad behind the times.
My latest production which was a combination of a skit, some song and dance (done by your very own Blondalicious Teacher of course), and news was an enormous success. I presented the ForbiddenBlog-Blond Report, an expose onHow To Cash In On Everything ThroughBlogging. Naturally, everyone took to these tips I shared in my report like ducks to water, and now everyone in Blondissigaya is blogging their fannies off. I've got myself some serious competition. I don't mind though, because everyone in my country loves to compete and crib from one another--and that's why we have no national debt, a country of superstars, and lots of money.
Even though I have been receiving adulation through my guru routine here in America, there is nothing like being home for the holy daze! I shopped, danced, shopped, sang, shopped, and gossiped about what goes on with blogging marketers--a subject which my homeland people found hilarious! Since we mock everyone there and have so much fun taking turns dissingothers, it is challenging to find someone new to mock. We have already worked over mental health professionals, country singers, realtors, politicians, and every pompous professional, so we were running out of people to make fun of. Thank Goddess for Blogging Marketers because we were seriously running on empty.
I'll leave you with this lead before I head off to recuperate. Possibly it might be something you might want to participate in. Here's the link and poo-bah:
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