Class, I'm back. Aren't you thrilled to have your blondalicious teacher back with her fabulous blog quips, gossip, slags, and tips? You haven't read a post from me lately because a. I've been busy and b. I had a bout of the Blogging Blues. Yes, tis true! It even happened to me, the Blog Queen!
How do you know when the Blogging Blues Bug bites ya? For me this is how the blogging blues manifested: I had zero desiretopostbecause everything seemed futile and nothing excited me, not even my super-expensive, gorgeous La Perla lingerie, my new black over-the-knee Jimmy Choo boots, or my invitation to the party of the year to celebrate the end of the Federline Era. Snarky blogs which used to make me laugh out loud now seemed tame and ho-hum. (Thank Goddess for Go Fug Yourself or my depression would have been way worse! This blogging team has kept me from totally going over the edge.) Movies, tv, and parties were boring because frat boy humor had taken over--the world appeared to be temporarily over-run with wanna-be country singers, wacko politicians, gamer-mad consumers, remote-viewing marketers and sex pervs of all persuasions. What's a blond blogger to do to keep her blog-sanity in this surreal world I asked myself?
Here are the remedies I devised to help me through this Blogging Blues Phase, and I will share them with you in case the Blogging Blues Bug grabs you.
1. Don't go anywhere near your computer until you've consulted an astrologer to see if the stars & planets are aligned and in perfect position for a posting. Wait out the blogging blues...this too shall pass according to my wise ass-trologer. The planets keep moving along, and so will your mood. The urge to post will eventually return. Now is an excellent time for an eccentric blog such as Blog-Blond because a Moon/Neptune conjunction is applying and will be exact tomorrow. If any of my readers know astrology, they will get the joke.
2. Take your inner child out for a treat such as a triple scoop double fudge macadamia coconut sugar cone dribbled with chocolate sprinkles.
3. Do something old-fashioned such as writing an outraged letter to the local editor of your newspaper. This 'venting' exercise is to keep you in top form. Or you could leave random messages under windshield wipers at the malls protesting something, anything. The point of this is to release your boredom, anger, and frustration.
4. Plan a new cult with yourself as the cult leader. You must create an all-knowing stance as if you're in a "higher place". Become a guru by dressing in flowing white robes, remaining calm and not talking. Write inscrutable messages on chalk boards for your followers, and then quickly erase them. Imply secret knowledge and allude to the mysterious. Look deeply into their eyes and pretend they are beautiful. Soon you will find yourself surrounded by followers, and blogs will have faded from your memory.
I hope these remedies will help you as they have me. My living room is packed right now with a crowd of my followers who are impatiently awaiting my arrival, so I must scurry along to throw on my La Perla lingerie under my white silk robe and crystal mala to make my grand entrance.
Class, I had lunch recently with my fabulous comedian-in-crime buddy, Sacha, better known tothe world as the notorious Borat. Hmmm...Borat rhymes with rat. And spat. Why did I not see this rhyme before now? Oh well...moving on with my story. So Sachy-poo (my pet name for him) and I were slowly spooning some homemade borscht into our mouths and gulping down mangotini after mangotini, and this is what I recall of our conversation. I thought you might enjoy a recounting.
Sachy-poo: I really don't understand why my audience and yours don't get us! (Big slurp with one tear falling into the martini glass)
Blog-Blond: I always had faith that there would be more who see us and know we are really good peoplewho merely enjoy making others feel uncomfortable for laughs. Does this make us horrible sadists? (Wiping away a tear so as not to smudge her perfect makeup)
Sachy-poo: I like to hide behind masks and moustaches. Does that give others a right to beat me up like what happened to me the other day? (Rubbing his jaw)
Blog-Blond: Well, brother, you take your comedy to the outer limits. I have to admit you are very brave with your controversial sketches. I mean some people just can't believe you would go so far! (Slurping away)
Sachy-poo: Ya think they would KNOW I am Jewish! It's preposterous anyone would take my s*** seriously. (Farting for effect)
Blog-Blond: Well, look at the bright side. You're now famous, rich and despised. So what if some idiots don't understand you or get you! People don't get me either, but I haven't become famous and rich yet. Maybe I should start wearing a moustache and polyester clothes....(Burping the borscht)
Sachy-poo: Whatever you do, stay on your kosher diet. (Mumbling some words under his breath which were inaudible but sounded like a famous Yiddish blessing or curse or maybe both together)
Blog-Blond: Are your serious? Don't go getting absurd with me! (Farting for emphasis)
Sachy-poo: I've got an idea for you. Why don't you focus in on some group you like to spoof, write the screenplay, and I'll be your financial backer. (Loud, honking burp)
Blog-Blond: Wow, you'd do that for me?! Let me see....probably I'll take on the mental healthprofessionals--no one is more bizarre than them. Will you play a role in the film? Maybe you could play a psychiatrist or something? (Farting and burping at the same time)
Sachy-poo: But this time the film location has to be totally fictional so I don't receive the wrath of the Romanian gypsies. (Fingering the garlic protector in his pant pocket which looked (come to think of it) rather large for garlic)
Blog-Blond: I'll get to work on this project right away. I might as well cash in your celebrity while it lasts. I know a cash-cow when I drink with one. (Laughing at her own in-joke which only Blog-Blond seemed to get)
Sachy-Poo: Do you need a ride home? I'll call for the limo. (Looking like a gentleman but as we all know, looks and everything else can be deceiving)
Blog-Blond: Nah...I'll catch a cab. (Air kisses and rushing away from the ever expanding garlic)
Class called to order! As most of you are hip that I play around with so-called REALITY onthis blog and goof about reality, I was fascinated to discover a site which bills itself: "Your World. Your Imagination." The name of the site is SecondLife.Read here to discover what this virtual world is all about. In this alternate universe, you create your own virtual avatar self, interact with other virtual selves, own land, make deals, party at a multitude of events, and do whatever your imagination can dream up. Those living in the Second Life even have their own currency exchange.
Now when our wives or boyfriends or s.o.'s complain about our blogging addiction, we can shrug off their complaints with a sassy come-back like, "Well, at least, I'm not spending all my time at my Second Life!" Between gaming, blogging, living a Second Life, email, reading other people's blogs not to mention writing our own, who has time to have a FIRST LIFE or even work anymore? I suggest we are in danger of becoming a real-life virtual reality. Oh right-- that's already been done: the Matrix. I forgot for a nano second.
Don't you wonder whohas time to read your blogs? I sure do! Who are the lurkers, the peepingTOM's, and/or the strangers which pass like ghosts through your posts everyday without leaving comments? I can only imagine whom might they be and what they are ass-uming by what is written? Do we really truly know the real 'being' who blogs---supposedly in dead seriousness and earnest-- which I might add is completely unlike your blondalicious teacher who blogs to confuse, enlighten and play? Are we finding ourselves caught in a well-laidtrapto snare us withwords meant to make us flame, trigger controversy,and call us forth from the shadowy world of lurker-dom? In the blogoverse, one never knows, for the blog-reality is slippery, wet, dark, and mysterious.
Since one of the reasons people blog is to have an exchange with others, I wonder why so many who read blogs refuse to come forth from the shadows. Come on out, you shy ones! I'm issuing you a formal invitation! You don't have to wait to meet my avatar in Second Life, you can meet me right here in the quasi-reality.
"Imagination is the highest kite one can fly." -- Lauren Bacall Ta-ta my dahlings!
Class, I received so much email from you regarding Zune yesterday. What's wrong with your fingers that you can't just leave comments, eh? Anyway, let me give ya some links to Zune since obviously you can't figure out how to do the research for yourself! Sigh! You are obviously stupid AND naughty! I guess that's why you LOVE your Blondalicious Teacher so much. I take it most of you never go to the Battle of the Blogs to vote for me because I lost another battle. So I'm done with the kiddies. I have more important things to do like download my new Zune and hang with Lindsay and Paris!
Most of you don't even know what Zune is. Here, I'll make it easy for ya, ok? Zune is the new digital mediaplayer with the release date of Nov. 14th by Microsoft as their answer to the iPod. I like some of their features like wireless sharing, a bigger screen and other things I can't remember right now.
Class called to order! I realize that much of what I post here is over the heads of many of you, but I want you to stretchand reach for the stars. This is the best way to learn...and I try to teach you with humor to make it fun for you.
In any event, there is a rumor going around which applies to my Headline Of The Day. You can read about it here on Engadget.
Now I love juicy gossip and rumors as much as the next person, but I am disheartened to read about this possible premature ejaculation. As we we all know, when this P.E. happens, it's usually rather a sad thing. So hopefully, Zune Won't Come Too Soon!
Here's another great link for you from the handsome Italian Robin Good (or is it really Luigi?). His site offers really great information. I ordered something from him this week which has been very helpful.
Class, I had so much FUN giving you yesterday's test, I decided to do it one mo' time! So pull out those powerful PENS and get down to business. I wanna see if you've got what it takes! You don't need to email me...it wouldn't kill ya to make a comment ya know!
David Sifry is the founder of: a. eBay b. Funk & Wagnalls c. Technorati d. Amazon
How many weblogs are created approximately each day: a. 30,000 b. 100,000 c. 1,000,000 d. 1 trillion taking into account off-planet blogs
What is a splog: a. a newly born blog b. a blog imposter c. a blog that fell flat on its face d. a demonic blog e. none of the above
How often should one post to create a successful blog: a. every other day b. every other hour c. once a minute d. none of the above
What is the most popular blog language: a. English b. Spanish c. Chinese d. Farsi e. Kahaghastani
What is sping-fighting: a. spider wars b. splog battles c. garbage collection d. yesterday's news
Cliches such as "getting our duck's in a row": a. make a blog more popular b. discredit the blogger c. show you know a golden-oldie cliche d. are evident in most blogs
That's the test for today. You can cheat if you want to because I can't do anything about it, now can I? So go right ahead. Be my guest. Make my day.
Class, I suddenly had a harsh realization today: I haven't given you a test in a long, long time. So put on your thinking beanies and get to work answering these questions. If you've been keeping up with the blogosphere, you should have no problem getting an A from me. If not, you know what comes next! Thwack-thwack!
Is Dave Taylor a. the twin brother of James Taylor b. a famous blogger c. someone you met in a bar once a long time ago d. all of the above e. none of the above
Anna Nicole Smith a. blogs under the pseudonym of Poopsie b. doesn't blog, but forces Howard to blog for her c. doesn't know what a blog is d. could care less what a blog is e. all of the above f. none of the above
Which famous blogger's comeback are you most excited about? a. Mr. T b. Marilyn Manson c. Roseanne Barr d. they have blogs? e. all of the above f. none of the above
Which blog turns you on the most? a. Blog-Blond b. Plumbutt Chronicles c. Fetish-Test d. Dispatches from the Wyrd e. None of the Above f. All of the above
Blog-Blond looks better with a. more blog-togs on b. less blog-togs on
Would you rather read a blog by a. Paris Hilton b. Mel Gibson c. P. Diddy d. Woody Allen
Send me your answers, and I'll promptly grade them and turn them over to the authorities so that they will know even more about you than they already knowwhich is a lot and way more than they'll ever need to know in this lifetime.
Class Dismissed! Check out the new Pay Pal tip jar! Pennies...schmennies! Oh well!
Class called to order! As you can see, the Blog-Blond Blog has a FABULOUS new look, thanks to the artistry of La Luna of Luna's Templates! She gave me what I wanted and more: three columns instead of two! She rolled up those straggly links and organized everything! Now that I've got this spiffed-up blog, I've been thinking I need NEW blog attire to wear while I'm blogging. You know how it goes--one thing leads to another!
However, I often become disoriented and confused because I can't remember where I saw what! Lucky for me/us, Mozilla Firefox has this nifty new tool you can download for free and add to your toolbar called StyleFeeder. If you like something, you just add it to your (already downloaded) Stylefeeder. It's "like a giant wish list for the whole internet". And you know what's cool? You can see who wants the same thing as you do! V-e-r-y interesting! I noticed some dude wanted the same computer I did. There were only two of us wanting this laptop which made me consider that StyleFeeder hasn't caught on fire like StumbleUpon has. If you want to take a break from your shopping addiction, play around with StumbleUpon for awhile. You will discover your very own Blondalicious Kuanyin in both these wondrous virtual worlds.
That's it for today! Your homework: EXPLORE! And when you return from your virtual journeys, leave me a comment if you find something I can't live without. Oh....if you find a whitetrenchcoat that is knee-length, be sure to let me know. I have a fantasy about whipping one of these coats open to reveal sexy black lingerie underneath.
P.S. The messed-up spiders seem to be back on the job again! Yahoooooo! In case any of you dimwits don't get it or know, "spiders" are what crawl the web gathering information.