Class: I have your weekend homework assignment for you. Did I hear a loud groan? Good, that's what I wanted to hear! Louder!
Now that I have your attention, I will educate you. Trust me, you won't find these kind of hot blogging tips on any other blogs about blogging!!
Here is your assignment: Analyze your blog, and use the principles of feng shui (the ancient Chinese art of placement) which I now share with you to bring more readership and attention to your blog.
First Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make sure your header is heading the right direction to your own kua. If it's not, then your blog will be deflated and heading downhill. I will use this blog, Blog-Blond, as my example. Do you notice which way she's pointing her head? Yes, the beautiful blond babe's head is pointing west. West is my most favorable direction according to my kua number which is based on my birth time. (Follow the link I gave you, and you will see the Kua Number Calculator on the sidebar, fourth one down!)
Thus, I was very specific with the fabulous blog designer, La Luna, to capture my most auspicious direction in the header design. (I won't go into why I wanted my header horizontal because that doesn't have anything to do with feng-shui--just simple common sense.)
I remind you there are two schools of Feng Shui: the Classical (Eastern) and the Western. I prefer to use the older, classic version. If you have any confusion about this subject, join the long line around the block for no two consultants or masters of feng shui share the exact same opinion. This is why you should defer to me, your blondalicious teacher, on this matter and take my word as law!
Second Blog Feng Shui Tip: Add movement to your blog. Once again, I will use my blog as an example. Notice the occasional blinkies I use as illustrations at the top of my posts? Maybe a bit tacky, but they serve to move the energy around the blog and are excellent feng-shui tools. If blinkies are too much for your ultra cool blog, choose one of the moving icons to put on your sidebar rather than a static one. Many companies such as Blog Explosion offer moving icons as an option to pimp your blog.
Third Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make your typeface easy to read. This is such a basic principle, but I can't begin to tell you how many blogs screw-up this simple principle! Who do they think we are--little insects with big beady eyes able to read their fine, light print? Add capitals. Add colors. Add bold. Whatever you do is no doubt better than small and too-light-against-the -background typeface!
Fourth Blog Feng Shui Tip: Leave space between your paragraphs. Just as in books, posts need the Air Element. If your words are packed too tightly together, the Air Element is missing. What you aspire to is to have all the elements properly balanced in your blog for good blog CHI. What this means is that you have fire, earth, metal, water, and wood in your blog. If not exactly equal, at least...mostly equal! Each element has a color and symbols attached to it. The best blog chi is attained when none of the elements are missing. Some elements you want less of. For example, too much metal can bring destructiveness and unhappiness to your blogging experience.
For example, I will once again use Blog-Blond. Fire: hot, smoldering Header and the color red sprinkled throughout for more fire!
Earth: brown and black colors in the design
Metal: metal is light in my blog, and this is where I need to make some changes! See, even your teacher needs to step it up a notch!
Water: the pearls around the blond in the header symbolize water. More water elements are mixed in the sidebar, but more water needs to be added as well!
Wood: my blog is low on wood. I need to add more green! Maybe there is a way...oh yeh, I'll add a green blinkie money illustration today. That's the ticket! Very clever of me, eh?
Fifth Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make your Blog Balanced! I asked La Luna to do a re-design on Blog-Blond so that there would be three columns instead of two, and so she obliged. I wanted three columns for feng-shui purposes, and then I deleted everything from my right, third column in a hissy fit later because I yearned once again to re-decorate. I have yet to find a sponsor or advertiser to fill this void! HINT! HINT! HINT!
Remember the movie, "Field of Dreams" and the theme: "Build it, and they will come!" So I am leaving this field of dreams sidebar for potential advertisers. I have pitched one p.r. agency who reps a big advertiser who would AMPLY fill this space, but I have yet to get the go-ahead. In the meantime, I will remain unbalanced and stubbornly refuse to follow my own feng-shui advice... and hold out for the Big One!
I hope these Five Steps helped you today! Your homework is to analyze your blog and others to see if they are properly feng shui'd! Questions???
MAHALO FOR YOUR VOTES IN THE BLOGGERS CHOICE AWARDS HUMOR CATEGORY! Muahhhhh! Hey, you can STILL vote for me, ya know!
Stay tuned (in less than 40 hours) for a special Guest Blogging blog I am doing with Best Blog Basket. This post will be echoed in a similar post on Blog-Blond for the purposes of synergy.
BBB is doing a MBL (MyBlogLog for you dummies!) series on "How to become a hot member at MyBlogLog", and he has requested I share my tips in this series with my own special 5 tips. I'll do my best to add some humor to this series since your Blondalicious Teacher loves to have fun as she teaches!
And you'd better do your homework, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"! I'm serious!
Labels: blog humor, feng shui, hot blogging tips, how to Feng Shui your blog
Posted by Kuanyin Moi at 12:50 PM
Blog Bloke posted at Thursday, April 19, 2007
Funny, but I could have sworn the beautiful blond babe was looking at me. You just feng-shuied my fanatasy. Sigh.
Diesel posted at Friday, April 20, 2007
My blog has so much feng shui it's freaking ridiculous.
Mushy posted at Friday, April 20, 2007
I think my blog is all shuied up! But, I like it!
Marilyn posted at Sunday, April 22, 2007
She's facing west? I mean, in my world, taking into account the placement of the purter, her head is toward the south. If my screen were a map he head would be toward the east. What's a would-be feng shui-er to do? How do you figure west? I need to learn more about header design, she's lovely.
Angelika posted at Monday, April 23, 2007
Feng Shui has gone too far...