Of course, these two bloggers have already scored the major hate-inducing habits of bad bloggers, so I'm left with crumbs.But being the Good (Blondalicious) Sport which I am and owing Sue many, many favors, I'll do my best to carry on with this theme.
However, I suggest you read their lists after you've read mine, and should you be misbehaving and using any of these techniques/habits/tricks, you might want to re-consider. I'm not saying my Uncle Vinnie's gonna come knocking on your door because he only does that for major crimes, but if you want to be more accepted, popular, and less-hated, these lists are major clues! Google Surveillance is strong these days, and trust me, you don't wanna get on Google's Bad Side. Capisce?
Carrying on with this important theme:
21. Posting videos of yourself all the time! Oh puh-lease! I'm weary of seeing your mug talking to the camera. Get over yourself! Once in awhile I like to see your mug so I can goof on you when I have nothing better to do, but don't make yourself talking to the camera a habit.
22. Don't endlessly complain about other bloggers ripping you off. Sure, they probably are (the dirty rats!), but that's because your information is so generic, it's easy to make it look like it could be written by them. If you have aunique 'voice' in your posts, other bloggers will recognize the ripped-off posts as yours, and they'll come a-tattling to you.
23. Don't be trying to sell me something. It seems some of the top blogs have agendas...have you noticed this?! I'm not impressed. Your mad selling skillzz leave me cold and wary.
24. Don't announce through Blog Catalog every last frigging time you've made a new post! Sure, I want to read your exceptional post, but don't bug me with announcements. And don't use the pity-plea that no one is visiting your site. It's a miracle any of us have readers considering what's going on in the world!
25. Don't compliment me in a comment, and then leave a link to your blog. This is NOT the way to work-it baby!
26. If you wanna shizzle my nizzle, you gotta keep your blog uncluttered. If I see a cluttered, messy blog with too much going-on & poorly laid-out, I don't stick around. Whatcha trying to do to me with all that confusion? Confuse me? Sell me? Hah!
27. Ego in a blog totally turns me off. I have Ego-dar, and I can sniff it instantly. If you're effing awesome, everyone will know it. And this means keep your photos of yourself hanging out with celebrities on your My Space blog if you hafta brag.
28. I don't want to read a LONG, long post. Hit me with your best stuff, and bottom-line me!
29. Viewing ads all over your blog and one BIG AD at the top where the header should be is stooopid & uglifying. Your BFF should have told you this by now! Or do you have one?
30. Do you have anything better to do with your posts than running YET another contest? Contests are fine if that is the focus of your blog, but if not, don't keep barraging me with another contest.
I'm so exhausted writing this post, I'm gonna go to the beach and relax. And if anyone who wants to add more to this list, join on in!
Class, if you're staying current with the Blogosphere, you know that today is Blog Against AbuseDay, and bloggers are posting about their specific abuse topics. I don't wish to miss out on this opportunity to bitch about the abuse of Humor Bloggers. Why aren't we taken seriously? Why aren't we given more respect?
We probably lower your blood pressure WAY more than the bloggers who post about "how to make money blogging" and "hot blogging tips" (which usually aren't so blazing hot once you've put them into action and seen the results!).
We don't put you to sleep and bore you to tears like business bloggers.
We ignite your juices, exercise your smile muscles, and we work out your abs because you're laughing so hard.
Therefore, I propose that Humor Bloggers should be The Way To Start Your Day! Read one of your favorite humor blogs (or more), and begin your day in a healthier fashion. Leave the doom- and- gloom blogs, the business blogs, and the hot- blogging- tips blogs to right before bedtime so that you'll FAST fall to sleep.
Back From Rehab and Checking Back Into The Blogosphere
Class, I've been back from rehab for FIVE days now, and every time I think about posting here, I find something else to do like trying to see if I can swallow a whole donut or something else equally retarded! Ya see, blog rehab changed me! I no longer have the compulsion to blog about blogging and be THEmost blondalicious whip-cracking teacher of all time! This doesn't mean I plan to quit blogging. Oh no! Too many of you naughty students emailed me and begged me to return. And so here I am in full black leather regalia with Jimmy Choo stilettos ready to crack that whip and kick ass again! You can kiss my Choos if you wish....but only the heel. And no slobbering!
So many things happened while I was gone. I missed out on Blog Rush which came and went as fast as OJ Simpson left Las Vegas....or so I read here and on other blogs. I wouldn't know as I was kept away from all things 'blog'. Tis true! Except for one time when I sneaked out to a computer, I was forced to shun all computers and even all the news. It wasn't until my return that I discovered the world was still the same. What a shocker!
So I decided to check up on Blog-Blond with the Website Grader to see how far I had slid while I was away. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I still had the respectable grade of 72! What does this 72 mean? Quoting from the website, this is what it means:
"A website grade of 72 for www.blog-blond.blogspot.com means that of the thousands of websites that have previously been submitted to the tool, our algorithm has calculated that this site scores higher than 72% of them in terms of its marketing effectiveness. The algorithm uses a proprietary blend of over a dozen different variables, including search engine data, website structure, approximate traffic, site performance, and others."
Sure, my Alexa score slipped a bit down to 347, 489. BFD! I never understood Alexa anyway. Could one of my brilliant students please explain it to me?
And Technorati totally baffles me! Why do they strip links away from bloggers so frequently? Why do they have to be such bad a$$$$$! Wouldn't it be nice if they added links every now and then like Santa Claus would do? I guess I should be so lucky to have any links considering that I'm a bad a$$ myself. But the point I want to make is this: See--we can go into rehab. We can take vacations. We can take time off from blogging.
The world will still be here when we return. The blogosphere misses us and REALLY wants us to come back! We might slide a little in our scores, but so what? Heck, if I can survive rehab and swallowing whole donuts, then everything else is a piece of cake.
Mwah, my darlings! I'm happy to be home! And I missed you too, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"!
Class, as you (probably) know they let Lindsay Lohan out of Rehab to shop, get a spray tan, manicure, etc., and I too have briefly leftBlog Rehab to post because I was tagged ONCE AGAIN for that nefarious meme "8 Things About Me" by the bodacious Olga The Traveling Bra --who last I heard had been kidnapped from the Apache Arizona Post office unclaimed package bin. So blame that d**** outrageous bra for my breakdown, ok?
Are you shocked and/or titillated that your very own Blondalicious Teacher was in a self-imposed Blog Rehab? Well, you shouldn't be! After all, in JUST one year, I have over-blogged, and I simply had to check myself into rehab and not go near a computer. Most of my darling students don't even know the half of my serious blog addiction, and that's just as well.
However, I must confess I've been sneaking and reading emails. And then when I catch myself at this old habit, I freak out because I know I've fallen off the blog-wagon once again! Yeesh! It's become painfully obvious that I'm very, very weak and easily given over to temptation for I can't be left alone anywhere near a computer or the urge to post and read emails rises up within me. I'm determined to make it at least ONE week without so much as thinking about the blogosphere.
So if you don't hear from me for awhile, know that I'm working the steps, ok? Actually, I'll be traveling like Olga The Traveling Bra, and traveling makes it easier for me. So it's no Blackberry, no notebook, no iPhone....and simply life on the road sitting around campfires under the stars with friends singing ridiculous songs and gulping down S'mores followed by too many bottles of Cristal.
So here's the way the 8 Things About Me Meme works:
1. Link to the blogger who tagged me; that would be Olga The Traveling Bra 2. List 8 random facts about myself; 3. Tag 8 people, listing their names and linking to their blogs; and 4. Let them know they've been 'tagged' by commenting on their blogs.
1. I prefer Facebook to MySpace--it's a more mature, sophisticated crowd. And if you wish to friend me on Facebook, look on the lower left sidebar for the link to my Facebook page--- but I absolutely refuse to give up the addie of my MySpace page. I thrive on mystery.
2. I'm weary of political correctness. I prefer to be a little edgy, a little opinionated, a little obtuse, a little clever, a little quirky, and it's good to have an improper laugh. Even pratfalls are good in my book. The more the bettah! And the blogs I like also share these qualities.
3. Generators are such fun, and I love creating with them. Thus, some of the fan mail in the Blog-Blond Mediacenter is from me! Duh! Why not?! If you don't have enough fawning fans, I say go create more! "Give It Up For Blondie, People!"
4. Did ya watch the much hyped Britney Spears comeback performance for the MTV's Video Music Awards? Did ya want to do a make-over on her like I did? I'm itching to re-do dear Britney! Her "Gimme" number was a dud, and I'd so love to coach her to do a radical Rocky (tone her abs up!) so she can kick ass again. She's a sweet girl who needs some TLC and a trusting confidante to give her some candid feedback. Brit, call me! Uh, but we won't be doing lunch! Oh no! We want to work out so as to kick some Silverman ass. Oh Yeh!
5. Blog Rehab has been x-tremely rejuvenating--it's a must for every serious blogger. I'd say going to blog rehab at least twice a year is the minimum for your sanity. It's kinda of like getting a colonic in that you don't really like the thought of it, but once the blogosphere starts moving out of you, you begin feeling your old self again.
6. I'll be on an airplane during the season finale of Big Brother 7! Sob!
7. Reality has intruded via an important phone call, and I must return to Rehab! Consulting, always consulting--this is what I do for a buck.