As I sat watching the Golden Globe Awards last evening, I had an 'aha' moment. I thought to myself, "Why don't I hand out awards too?" Of course, mine will be blog awards, not your NORMAL, run-of-the-mill kind which are usually handed out to your best buddies or those who bribe you! No, my Blog-BlondBest of Blogs Awards would be totally legit with none other than your Blondalicious Teacher as the sole judge and jury. Most of these bloggers are strangers to me. They know me not, and so why not?! I've looked over enough blogs to know a thing or two and been around the Blog Block so many times it's now ROUND.
My blogs won't come with a cutesy generic code sayingBest F@*king Blog or anything that boring. I don't plan to make something for you to post on your blog unless someone actually wants one and begs me. Then I might possibly consider giving a copy of a a dirty martini glass. Probably no one will even give a rat's a$$ anyway. This Blog-Award Thing is for My Fun and YourEducation. I refuse to be mean so I won't include Blog Awards for blogs which make me wince, gnash my teeth, cringe, weep, or hurl. So there!
One more thing: this is just the beginning. I have OTHER blogs which I want to award in different categories, but hey, there is only so much time in my busy life, so the rest of the awardswill follow in other posts.Students, listen up! You can learn a lot from these blogs, so pay attention! I didn't award them so you could go just go, "Wa wa wee wa" if you know what I mean.
And without further ado, I will begin the Blog Announcements and Ceremony. Ta-da! Drumroll please....envelopes....and...
Class, I know I've been absent, but I have a perfectly good couple of alibis which I'm sure you probably could care less about. In any event, I'm gonna tell you anyway just to evoke some pity and sympathy and perhaps succeed in guilt tripping you.
I've been re-thinking this bait called "Blogging for Money". After careful consideration, I'm not so sure this is a likely 'done-deal', at least not as much as some bloggers (are they shills?) would have you believe. Aside from Dooce, whom do you personally know and sleep with or are intimate with or share a bathroom with who are actually making any DECENT monies from their blogs? I'd wager to guess: d*** few!
Blogging for money must be one of those Urban Myths. Either that or you have a gadzillion of MySpace friends who want to buy your lousy posters and cheesey t-shirts. I have been reading forums, researching this matter, and communicating with many who supposedly are "in the know", and thus, I've had a wake-up call about this subject. Money-schmoney! Let's just go for the gritty truth: we blog because we can! Because we're narcissists!Because we want to tell our side of the story! Because we're looking to meet new friends! Because we're geeks! Because we like to write our truth! And so on and so forth. Yadayada.
Does this cold water truth mean we'll have to keep our day jobs? I'm afraid so class unless you get like luckier than sh$. Remember me, your blondalicious teach when you do. My tip jar is still lurking right here on this blog. Did I mention how great you look lately? Did you loose weight? I mean...wow..you look fabulous! New shoes? New haircut? New anything?
Ok...enough of my disillusionment. Here's my blogging tip for you today, and I do believe this is a good one. Follow the lead of those who are dropping us peons the crumbs. It's from the fabulously wealthy, successful, bringing home- the- big- bacon- bloggers: Techcrunch.
The title is 2007: Web 2.0 Companies I Couldn't Live Without by Michael Arrington. You do know him, right? I know he's worth mega-oodles, but the big question is this: is he a generous tipper?
Class: You've heard the saying: "Hit the ground running!"? Well, Jan 1st 2007 could be summed up for me like this: "Hit the ground crawling!" Yes, tis true I drank way too much champagne after we (Blog-Blond & The Blondies) performed at the Coliseum on New Year's Eve. We just kept rockin after performing some of our rap anthems: "I Don't Want Yo Boyfriend--He Wants Me!", "Off The Hook--Into The Hay", and "FlyChick--Fly Away" to a sell-out crowd. You know how it goes...we just kept wanting to do our thang, and so we partied way too hearty. Especially your blondalicious teacher!
I'm recovered (somewhat) now and ready to give you My Year In Review. For me it was a SIZZLING year. For one thing, I began this blog in which I deliver blogging tips, sass, sarcasm, snide interviews, snark, quips, satire, bad puns, and lies served up withhot peppers.
January
Once Big Al G. retired from the F. R. B. with lots of loot, I spent time celebrating his get-away with him (and many others) on one of those un-nameable islands where the rich store their loot. We all plotted how to take some of the loot off his hands or out of his bank account(s). I must say we had a hoot trying to get the loot.
February
My posse and I spent time at the Winter Olympics rooting on our countrywoman who won the 2,900 meter Downhill-and-Around-The-Corner-Til-Falls-Down -Exhausted -Event. We were very proud of her. She finally fell down because there was no more competition, and also so she could join our group for some hot toddies.
March
I spent days shopping for a new home in various parts of the country and elsewhere. With every realtor blowing smoke up my a$$, it was such a HARD decision. That's why I still haven't decided. I'm waiting for the market to show me how low will it go!
April
Meanwhile back at my tropical, luxurious rental, I began feverishly writing lyrics to be put to music. I cruised MySpace, Friendster, YouTube, Blogger, etc. and listened, read, and observed what was hot...or not. I took into account the numbers, did a little crunching, and decided to begin multiple blogs under various alias's or nom de plumes or secret identities. You get the picture, right? My butt grew one size.
May
Blog-Blond is birthed as are many others. I became obsessed with blogging, a true addict. I never left my computer(s) or email. Bad scene. Friends try to lure me away and bribe me with all sorts of goodies. No deal. I was hooked.
June
Speaking of friends...what friends? They all deserted me. If I even mentioned the word 'blog', they would change the subject or put their fingers in their ears and go "doo-do-doo-dah" while rolling their eyes in circles. They looked pretty freaking stupid to me! I began accosting total strangers and proseltysing about blogs, bloggers, and blogging. Most people asked me, "What is a blog...exactly?" I began wearing skimpy outfits to delay their retreat.T*** & A** works every time! Shrug!
July
An intervention occurs one steamy summer morning. I awake to find concerned friends and relatives around my bed and dare-I-say, my laptop? Off to rehab I would have to go if I didn't moderate my blogging. I had a terrible choice to make. So instead of staying around to think about it, I took a little jaunt over to play at the Tour de France bicycle race parties. I watched obsessed bikers, read in the papers and heard on the news the suspicions of doping, and I thought to myself, "aha!". These guys are addicted too--only it is to something socially sanctioned like sports. A light bulb went off.
August
After reading the ridiculous news that Pluto had been demoted as a planet by pompous astronomers and that the killer of Jon Benet Ramsey had turned himself in (which turned out to be false with the stupid aftermath of all the media exposure), I decided this world is more than a little nuts. Actually, I had decided this a long time ago, but I was CLEARLY reminded! Ergo, the former month's light bulb going-on combined with "the world is crazy" mindset put me upon a new path. Which brought me to another vacation...
September
There is nothing like traveling in Texas and the Midwest to underscore my earlier observation--especially with killer spinach in the news and still on the menus everywhere I went. How many alibis can waiters give for the spinach on the menus? How many ribs can one girl eat? How many shopaholics can dance on the tip of a Texas Lone State pin? How hard is it to keep from laughing out loud at the malls? I grieved for Steve Irwin and his family. They are MY people--people that know how to have fun!
October
Returned to Home and Halloween and wondered if these underground nuclear tests conducted by North Korea were real or fiction. Could I believe anything I read in the news anymore? Troubled times these! Isn't everyone always in costume--sort of?
November
The cell phone camera has been called "a beast with a billion eyes" by Time magazine. It nabbed Michael Richards responding to a heckler in the audience. The cell phone camera is everywhere. Spies abound. Shakespeare was right: life is a stage. Might as well perform. That's it! Got it? Blog it!
December
Wii fever strikes America, and people line up or camp out the night before the store opens to get one. After so many people crash their new toy into their tv's and other household items including themselves, the victims start a website called Wiihaveaproblem Can life get anymore surreal I asked myself ? Probably most people are too busy drinking & watching football to notice, but We REALLY Do Have A Problem! I'm gonna go write another hit song about this. I think I will title it: "Wussey Wee-Wee's" or maybe "Subdue Yo Man & Keep Him Off My Blog!" Or....
My library is overflowing with metaphysical books…all of which I’ve read.
I love generous people, and I’m also generous.
Until you spend many years with me, you can’t fathom who I am.
I am single.
My sheets are professionally pressed.
Gifts of healing flow through my hands.
Falling down as a young child and enduring a bad head wound, I became very psychic.
I was adopted as a baby, but my adopted parents kept this a secret from me. I discovered this fact on my own through my psychic gifts which was later confirmed.
Every week I find something to give to someone.
I can smell an agenda or falsity a mile away for I have x-ray vision and sensing.
If someone lies to me, I don’t always call them on their lie. Karma’s a bitch. It catches up with one.
My psychic abilities have been tested by professionals, but I don’t give psychic readings.
Animals gravitate to me as I love them.
I have re-invented myself many times during this lifetime.
This is because I’ve had several near-death experiences which changed me.
My inner child is alive and well and playful.
Though I don’t consume milk products, I make the exception for ice cream cones.
Photography is one of my passions.
Pomposity as displayed by others makes me laugh.
I know enough to ask for help when I need to.
Dancing is much more fun at home with the music turned up.
I am knowledgeable about astrology, numerology, palmistry, dowsing and feng-shui.
If I didn’t live on Maui, I’d live in Ibiza.
I am very good at dealing with invasions of personal space.
I am often called a Muse.
Making people laugh brings me joy.
If I could, I would travel constantly.
I love to capture the essence of a person in portrait photography.
My birth mother was half Cherokee.
Barefoot is how you normally will see me.
If I ever marry again, I will be surprised.
I think our celebrity-obsessed culture is both hilarious and ridiculous. I like to make fun of it.
Mothers that put their children in beauty contests with heavy make-up on freak me out.
Japanese food is my soul-food, and if I start feeling ill, I eat Japanese food, and I immediately feel better.
Great artists, inventors, and humanitarians are whom I admire.
I would like to keep a flat in Paris to visit from time to time.
My best friend is my daughter.
I look a lot younger than my biological age.
De-toxing is something I do daily because of environmental pollution.
My skin has a slight tan. I don’t care for dark tans as they look fake and unhealthy.
Great beauty makes my heart beat faster.
I have met and known many kind people.
Angels are with me all the time.
My non-fiction book about dolphins was published in 1993.
Living in the mountains agrees with me.
When I modeled in my early twenties, I was anorexic.
I love the element of water and love to swim.
People give me mermaid and dolphin gifts a lot.
Collages are something I enjoy creating.
Communing with Nature is necessary for my well-being.
Trust is something you have to earn with me.
Friends tell me I’m a wonderful listener and wise counselor.
I’m a light eater.
A major requirement: I need to be surrounded by beauty.
I prefer quality food, and if I drink, I prefer quality alcohol. Actually, I like the BEST in everything.
Horses, elephants, dogs, dolphins, whales and cats are my favorites.
My goal is to get my MANY blogs to support me. If not all, at least one.
I grew up in a small Indian town in Oklahoma.
The Blog-Blond blog was born out of frustration and the learning curve of blogging innards.
I gained 15 pounds sitting all day & learning how to do html and blog, No more weight gain though. I put a stop to that after I went up a size.
All the details which go into making a GREAT blog drives me just a bit crazy.
Kuanyin isn’t my real name. Duh!
However, I have the greatest of respect for the REAL Kuan Yin.
I take photos every day, and I carry two digital cameras with me everywhere I go.
I have zero desire to be a professional photographer. I’m quite happy being an amateur.
Yes, I live on Maui. Tis true.
I’ve experienced many kinds of love in my life and continue to experience love.
Unconditional love is the best.
I’ve been known to be a bit kinky at times.
I’m working on several books, one of which is a dark humor fiction book based on Maui folk I’ve known.
I love to swing in hammocks.
Watching sunrise and sunset makes me have a happy day.
The world needs to have more balance, more fair-play, and more balanced distribution of the wealth.
We can choose the world in which we live: the mundane, the magical or the miraculous. I prefer the later.
When God handed out mechanical abilities, I was the last person in line.
I am punctual for all appointments and pay my bills on time.
I attract people who are eccentric, different, quirky, odd-ball, rebellious and weird.
Perhaps this is because I am very allowing and non-judgmental.
I like to drive fast cars and boats.
I am an Artisan type according to one of those famous tests.
I prefer silk, bamboo, hemp, cotton and linen fabrics.
World music, ambient, devotional, Celtic, and rhythm and blues music are some of my favorites.
I wanted to move far away from my dysfunctional family, so I married young to do so.
I’ve seen and experienced a lot in my life. It feels as if I’ve already lived multiple lives.
You don’t want to get on my bad side.
I distrust organized religions of all kinds, and thus, I do my own thing and go within.
Candles are a necessity in my life.
It would be easy for me to be a recluse.
My inner life is extremely rich.
I have my fair share of secrets. I don’t trust people who say they don’t have secrets.
I rarely worry.
Sometimes I can be compulsive-obsessive and experience burn-out from my work/passions.
I like a lot of variety.
I can often read other’s minds and thoughts.
I’m lucky.
Yoga and stretching feel great, and I love to stretch and move.
Before there was blogging, I wrote journals. I still write personal journals.
Delicious high-quality goat cheese is one of my power foods.
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