Class: as I lay upon the massage table today receiving my favorite hot rock massage from my favorite masseuse, I had a brilliant vision! And I'm so excited about this and the ramifications I simply can't wait to share it with you, even on a Saturday!
Here's the concept:What if your blog were a movie?What kind of movie would it be? A drama, an adventure, a romantic comedy, a sci-fi flick? My homework assignment for you (whenever you get around to it, of course, since I'm such a sweetheart of a teacher!) is to Imagine Your Blog As A Movie! This is my/your/our next step! We have to enlarge our vision of what a blog is! We have to stop perceiving our blogs as a little 'cyber thingy', and instead view our blogs as living, breathing, larger-than-our-computer-screens projects! Talk about Living Large!
Here's what happened to me as I began my visualization process for Blog-Blond, a romanticcomedy MOVIE with a blogging storyline. Suddenly I saw exactly who should star in it (as me!) and that would be Kate Hudson with Sandra Bullock as her BFF! Kate's Mom is Bette Midler, and Kate's love interests are Owen Wilson, Johnny Depp, Adam Sandler, and JeffGoldblum. Stop! Before you go there in your heads, don't imagine I am all that attracted to these particular actors. I simply feel they are excellent actors with a quirky edgewho would fit my casting requirements for the Blog-Blond movie, ok?!
Kate Hudson's real-life Mom, Goldie Hawn, would also have a part, and I could see myself playing a walk-on character. After all, it's my massage-table vision, and if I can't imagine myself in my own movie, what kind of vision would it be?!
Here's the best part and why I'm so excited to teach you this: as you begin filling in the colors, the scenes, the characters, the lines, the clothes, and so on and so forth, what happens is that your blog begins to evolve.It's like you're Dr. Frankenstein, and your monster...err, your blog is going to be a walking-talking creature in living color. It's not a blog anymore because you have endowed it with Life Force!
Blog Movies are the Future!This is the next step beyond YouTube. And we're the early blog-pioneers of this evolving art form! Happy Dance! Happy Dance! Listen to me, my beloved students! My massage visions are prophetic!
Leave comments as to what kind of movie your blog will be. You don't have to leave the particulars so the Hollywood sharks can snag all your juicy creativity. Just leave me the basics, and we'll juice each other as we brave this new blog frontier.
Oh, I almost forgot. I want "Mr. Humor-Blogs.com" to play a role in my movie too. I think he'd make a loveable, irreverent Reverend. Oh yeh!
Class, I'm often asked by my love slaves from whence I hail in the galaxy because of my oddball, goofy nature mixed with my insightful wisdom and packaged in a delectable body . So I thought I would share a bit of personal information here with you in reference to my galacticorigins.But before getting into this juicy stuff, I am listing the types of bloggers and their galactic origins. You can easily identify them by the way they blog.
Serious Bloggers (tech bloggers, political bloggers, nerd/geek bloggers) mostly hail from Sirius. I'm serious! Some are from Saturn--the really depressing, dour bloggers.
Whiny Bloggers (despairing, sad bloggers, longing/aching bloggers and those with the pale pink blog sites where you can barely read the print and the color makes you want to puke!) come from the Far Side of the Moon. They are infant souls who were recently planted on Earth and are beginning to understand their long-prison sentence....err, life learning curve.
Bully Bloggers (macho bloggers, foul language bloggers, ranting bloggers, bragging bloggers, mean-spirited, critical bloggers) are the ones that were kicked off Mars long ago and exiled to Earth. They are slow learners! Sad to say. Their blogs easily identify their origins. The well-mannered Martians remain living underground on Mars and don't even want to know their blood-relatives! Long time no-see, and that's the way they prefer it.
Inspirational Bloggers (spiritual-subject bloggers, photobloggers, art bloggers, music bloggers, etc.) mostly come from Neptune with a smattering of them coming from the Blue Star.
Elite Bloggers (the good- ol boys -club bloggers, the misogynist bloggers, the egotistic all- about- me bloggers, some (but not all) of the Big Boy Bloggers) incarnate from Nibiru (if you want to be picky, some call it Hibiru), and specifically the Enlil branch.
Humor Bloggers (such as your Blondalicious Teacher, for one!) are a mixed-breed, and we come from all over the galaxy. Many of our parents were from different star systems who rebelled against their own parents wishes and intermarried, and thus we are strange hybrids who are very difficult bloggers to pin down to a specific group. We are the outsiders, and we prefer to remain this way --the better to thumb our noses and jest. However, under close inspection, you can see the overlay hovering in the aura of our blogs.
Crappy Bloggers (the blogs which are impossible to navigate, with jarring music, too much going on with their blogs, and they feel like seriously bad acidtrips) are also infant souls who have yet to get their bearings and achieve organization and balance. Many of these bloggers congregate in MySpace. Most of them hail from Mercury with some Martians.
Beautiful Bloggers (the blogs which take your breath away with their design, images, words, insights, wisdom and generosity to link to others) naturally come from Venus. Hungry Bloggers (those who post about food, recipes, restaurants, and such) come from the Earth. Yes, there are Earthlings who love their home planet and love to write about it's abundance and harvests.
Mommy Bloggers (those who blog about their families, children, pets and personal home life) are also a mixed bag. They come from all over, but are currently doing the 'mommy' gig and need the blogging outlet. This group is NOT to be messed with for they are a powerful force in the blogosphere. Oh yeh!
So if you've read this far and haven't skipped down to read the Juicy Part about my galactic origins, you're obviously a Pretty Da**** Smart Blogger! (Kiss-Kiss), and here is my brief lineage to make a very long story short and to eliminate all the dramatic twists and turns and 180's across time and space:
Lyran, Pleiadean, Arcturian, Venusian, Blue Star, and The Secret Super Nova which no one can talk about or else as it's totally off limits. So there you have it, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com". Can you recognize yourself?
Here's how you do it Class! Remember the principle: KISS? Keep.It.Simple. Sweetie.
Here's the deal. I've just been informed of a contest on Problogger, and I'm possibly (maybe or probably already too late) to enter. But since I follow the advice of His Holiness The Dalai Lama who writes, "Never Give Up!", I'm gonna enter anyway, and KISS.
So here's How To Write A Bad Blog In The Last Second in Five Easy Steps:
1. Make spelling mis-stakes. 2. Insert artwork which doesn't apply to your post. 3. Imbibe alcohol and slur your wurrds. 4. Impune another A-List blogger. 5. Stroke your own ego in words.
Class: I have been pondering the subject of having your blog become TOO popular. Does a backlash happen when your name or your blog appear everywhere? Backlash is the phenomena which happens to celebrities, Hollywood stars and politicians when their stories and faces appear on too many magazine covers, too many television shows, tabloid papers, etc. A backlash results from their overexposure, and their former popularity with their fans (or constituents) morphs into hostility, disdain and snarky remarks. Mind you, some of these folks have it coming, but for the most part, I feel that their overexposure is the main culprit for the fans/loyalists/crowd turning on them. Witness in recent times the fall from grace of Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears to name a few. Does the same thing happen to bloggers?
I believe it does! Here's how I feel and think when I see an OVEREXPOSED BLOGGER: Disgust! No! Not them again! Cover up!Arggggh! Merely reading their name or news about their blog One Mo Time has totally turnedme off to them! Maybe they were once 'All That' in my eyes, but no more. They have overexposed themselves! They are over-blogging. They are seducing other bloggers with impunity. I would like to tell these bloggers: Chill a bit, will ya? You don't need to be king or queen of the Blogosphere every effing day of the week! Get a life! Let someone else shine for a brief moment, will ya? Your ego is being buffed way too hard! You can live a day without blogging, and we'll be much happier!
Now that I've got that mini rant out of my system, I'd love to read your feedback through comments!In the meantime, here's a mini test to determine how much you've learned about blogging, bloggers, blogs, The Bleeping Blogosphere, and so on and so forth. These are multiple choice questions, so the answers shouldn't be too hard for you!
Viral Buzz is: a. a deadly virus communicated by airborne particles through the computer screen--a new way to weed out serious bloggers from the hordes of bloggers b. blog rumor gone haywire c. the latest haircut for hip bloggers d. catchy phrase for marketing to the blog in-crowd e. none of the above f. all of the above g. some of the above h. get outta here!
The Long Tail is: a. a blog that's rambles on for far too long b. the nickname of an overexposed blogger c. code word for boring statistics which boring bloggers like to blog about d. the 80/20 rule e. all of the above f. none of the above g. are you serious?
Social Media is: a. the gossip about you in the blogosphere b. your friends and f*** the rest c. MySpace which has impregnated the remaining blogosphere d. Soaped e. all of the above f. none of the above g. some of the above h. give me a break!
Class dismissed! See ya whenever I feel like it. I prefer to keep a few clothes on my blog as I'm not into indecent overexposure. What do you have to say to this, Mr. "Humor-blogs.com"?
Listen Up Class! I am behind with my replies to your burning blog questions, and today I plan to nail the answers. What follows is the shortened questions minus the sender's name, praise, and adulation of your blondalicious teacher--just the meat of the question with my answer. I apologize I can't reply to all of your questions today as "blah blah blah" (insertwhatever alibi you would like to hear from me in this space)! Perhaps you may learn something from these questions and answers which will then make you re-consider emailing me the same question, eh? ********* Question: I've been shut-out by a group of bloggers who I once thought were my friends. I feel betrayed and want revenge. What can I do?
BB's Answer: Oh this is so simple! Blogs on Blogger and other blogging platforms are free, right? Simply start another blog and pose as another person with another blog which fits the same persuasion of your blog betrayers. Infiltrate their ranks. The time will come when you'll be able to get your revenge. Wait as patiently as a cat does for a mouse. HOWEVER, don't blog from your same computer as this will be a give-away as your IP address is trackable, and they might catch on to you. Use a friend's computer or, if necessary, go to an internet cafe. Keep a fairly low profile until you find the perfect moment to pounce.
Question: Someone asked me to reciprocate links with them, and I did so. Then this woman never got around to adding my link after several months even though I reminded her. I've finally taken her link down, and now she is linking up to all my friends. Do I tell my blogging friends about her lack of integrity with me?
BB Answer: It depends upon what this woman is offering your friends and how close you are to your friends. If you're super tight with them, then I'd say go ahead and let them know what a s*** she's been to you. If they still want to link and befriend this blogger, take your friends links down as well, or at the very least, don't give them any comment love...or make really stupid comments on their posts. You don't need friends like that. On the other hand, if they're just your typical meme blogging group of acquaintances making the rounds looking for blogs with Mr. Linky's or s**cking-up to who they think are the top bloggers, don't even bother telling them. Just move on! There ARE bloggers with integrity even though they are MUCH harder to locate. Once again, I remind you of one of Blog-Blond's cardinal rules. Keep the memory of the elephant which never forgets. I like to switch around the famous Groucho Marx quote, "I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member." Blog-Blond's quote is, "I'll happily club the member of any person allowing me to join them." (Wink!)
Question: I can't see any purpose for the social contacts, twitters, Second Lives, memes, groups, and dumb comments. I just don't get it.
BB's Answer: Welcome to Blog Harsh Truth 101. The blogosphere is mostly a bunch of narcissists preening in the Blog Hall of Mirrors. Your bafflement is only the beginning of Harsh Truths you will discover as you venture deeper into the blogosphere, but the engagement with these others will toughen you up for the larger multiverse which is preparing to install itself upon your hard drive. ************ "Humor-Blogs.com", can ya dig this?
Class: do these above photos give you a clue as to the whereabouts of your blondaliciousteacher? If not, you flunk! Ok, I see a hand raised there--the guy with the goatee and the weird grin that looks kinda devilish! What have you to say about these clues?
If you thought you saw me at the SXSW, you would be wrong. Why? Because I was in total disguise as were my mischievous investigative team! However, if you thought you were hallucinating at Fado's Bar and saw some weird mermaid toys sitting on the bar, you might not have been....as we were there!Actually, we're still here and everywhere-- drinking, blogging, flirting, chomping down on BBQ, uncovering as much dirt as we can on everyone, and mingling with the 6th St. revelers club after club after club, hotel room after hotel room.....
We needn't worry about being discovered in our costumes/disguises because everyone looks a bit weird here! We've seen it all from the leotard-wearing rapper to the 10th annual web awards at the Hilton Austin Downtown with emcee Ze Frank. Congratulations to Twitter who won the blog award! I Heart Twitter!
I've fallen in love and out so many times your Blondalicious Teacher has become Brunette! I can't take too much more of this or I may become another nationality.
Oh, for those that don't know, theSXS Week is grinding us down from March 9 to the 18th with panels, discussions, trade shows, awards, exhibitions (and I do mean EXHIBITIONS! Wink!) and non-stop parties. Who's here? Uber-geeks, bloggers, musicians, digital creatives, morons, drunks, pervs of every kind, entrepreneurs, and everything else your mother warned you about. Trust me, it's BEST to be armed, charmed, and dangerous here. And oh...watch out for the mermaids. You never know where they might appear.
Class: it's me, your Blondalicious Teacher, showing up with yet another post on the weekend! Do miracles ever cease?!
The reason I'm re-appearing so soon ( abnormal I know!) after my last post is this: a blogger has offered a link-exchange-review gig which I simply can't resist! The deal he offered me is write a brief review of his (fairly new) blog, and then he will do the same for me. Now this may not seem like winning the big lollapalooza lottery, and I'm taking a risk because I don't know Jake (even though his babysitter's cousin dated my gardener's uncle who then married my manicurist's masseuse) , but then there is always method to my madness.
I remember what Madonna said to me a long time ago which became widely reprinted in the media. It went something like this: any press is good press.
And as part of my blogging ministry, it is imperative I reach out to my congregation/readers. Plus since my My Blog Log photo popped up on Jake's sidebar as I was surfing around, he easily tracked me down and inquired if I would be interested in doing a review/link exchange. Since I don't have the heart to say no more than fifty times a day, I said yes! I give Jake of Ja Kel DailyDot Com high marks for being industrious, brave, diligent, and daring. Yes, daring! Imagine his 'cojones' asking ME for a review!
With those compliments out of the way, I will launch into my review. Please turn away if you can't stomach my critique. (Just kidding! I'm like the pussycat in the photo above compared to some other reviewers who've devastated some of my favorite blog friends with their stupid reviews. Such bad karma for these reviewers who hide behind proxy email, fake photos and such! Play nice. Be kind. Be gentle. Flop your ear a bit over young bloggers!)
First, here's what I like about the blog Ja Kel Dot Com and Jake's blogging style:
Jake is a smart cookie. He writes, "Reward your top commentators by acknowledging them with a top commenting section in your side bar and prizes to the top commentator within a specified time frame when available to give." Hey, bribery is a brilliant idea. He even offers a tip how to put commentators on the sidebar with the Wordpress platform he uses. I like this idea so much I'm puzzling how to do the same with my Blogger! I wonder what the prizes are. If he listed the prizes, this would make his offer more alluring!
Second: Jake checks out our mugs in the MyBlogLog widget on his sidebar and connects with them. Thus, he doesn't let opportunity pass him by. He's goes for it. And if he follow his own advice and walks his talk, he will comment on other's posts.
Third: this blog is easy to navigate and offers good content.
Now here's what I'd do if I did a Make-Over:
He has a photo with a red Ferrari and his adorable wifehidden away under the topic header "About".He would bring a LOT more attention to his blog were he to take down the header with the photo of the fence and the subtitle which is too wordy and confusing, "Life's Boundaries Greener Grass or Unexpected Cliffs". Who wants the fence feeling? Not me! I prefer the red Ferrari and cute wife vibe, don't you? How do you think one of Jake's idols, John Chow, made his blog so popular? By parking back- to- back expensive sports cars smack dab at the top of his blog for one thing!
My strong (and not humble-at-all) opinion: copy the masters! Do exactly as they do! The masters know trends-- what motivates people-- and they demonstrate how to succeed. How do you think they became masters?! To conclude: people want to view sexy, expensive cars--not chain link fences with the impending sense of doom attached to cliffs. People want to look at yummy food, hot girls & guys, cute kids, ritzy items, andadorable baby animals. (This is why I added the photo of the cat and dog at the top for one very obvious reason.)If you are dressing your blog, let the first impression be of one of these items. First impressions count!
My second criticism: is there any way Jake could move the ads over to the side or somewhere else, at least at the beginning of his post? This would make The Blond so happy! His good content is diminished and scrunched by these annoying ad placements. Does he have any control over this placement? If not, I'd say get rid of them. If you can't control your own blog-look and the advertiser's have taken over, then this sends a message to your readers, ya know?!
Third and last: where are the links? I like links! No one knows how to do links better than Mr. Humor-blogs. Check out his cunning method.
Class: Listen Up to your Blondalicious Teacher! Before the weekend blur becomes completely blurred, I wish for you to reflect on "Mr. Linky". You must have noticed the Mr. Linky widget at the bottom of many posts, especially ones participating in memes, right? The Mr. Linky protocol goes like this: after reading a post, you (the reader!) add your name and blog url to the linky widget and then make a comment. Some people abuse poor Mr. Linky which makes some bloggers quite steamed. Why? The %$#& add their link and then don't comment. Oh, the horrors!
HOWEVER, what I've observed as I've been rocking the blogosphere is Mr. Linky RARELY ever shows up on the blogs of men, even those who participate in memes. The absence of Mr. Linky on men's blogs prompted me to wonder why and enter into a deep philosophical conversation with myself about this mystifying- missing- mr- linky-on-men's-blogs.
Me One: Well, first of all--consider the Freudian connotation!
Me Two: And what about the words themselves: linky and mister? It rhymes with dinky. And blinky. And pinky. And kinky. And...
Me One: Enough rhyming already! Let's get serious here! I've been debating whether to add Mr. Linky, but I'm kinda suspicious of it.
Me Two: As well you should--does it measure UP? Maybe men bloggers are clued in? I've researched all the main male blog teachers, and I can't find even a reference to it in their posts.
Me One: Or possibly they may suspect Mr. Linky as being too girly.
Me Two: So is the "Venus & Mars" dynamic revealing itself even with widgets?
Me One: Perhaps Mr. Humor-Blogs and my class might might wish to elucidate their teacher about this matter before it gets filed in the Pitiful- Post-Piffle Files (P.P.P. files). Let's hear from you: Is Mr. Linky Too Girly For Guys?
Class, there are some mornings when The Blond (i.e. your blondalicious teacher) needs toget something off her chest before she can do anything else....and today is such a day! Thus, I am posting early...something almost unheard of from me, your late night, absentee, tardy, and oh-so-edgy blogging teacher!
I have received numerous emails which ask a similar question, and I'll use a sample quote from one such email:
"How do shitty blogs become so popular?"
This is what I want to know too! Quite simply, many popular blogs s**k BIGTIME, and how do they attract readers, links, fame & fortune? Many of you've probably asked yourself the same question.
Following in the illustrious footsteps of TMZ, my dedicated staff and I are currently investigating, researching, snooping in trash cans, and employing other methods (which we can't tell you about) so that Blog-Blond can write the ULTIMATE UNDERCOVER expose about these P.S. B. (popular shitty bloggers). I believe you'll be pleased with the results and sleep better at night knowing HOW the P.S.B. cheated.
Mind you, not ALL of them have cheated! Some of these P.S.B. merely have dumb luck on their side, and other bloggers were saints in a former lifetime.... and thus have extremely good karma, even when it comes to the time-wasting and grueling hobby known as blogging.
However, we have determined through our (continuing) investigation why SOME of these P.S.B. are successful. (No, I'm not going to name names, but everyone knows who these P.S.B.'s are, don't we?! How can we not? Pu--hlease! Their blogs are boring, self-aggrandizing ads.) We're not including in this list and investigation the obvious ever-popular photography blogs: ahem, the p***o blog genre.
Here's what we have discovered:
One such P.S.B. bribed an entire hospital staff to link to them, vote for them, and write comments. Oh yeh!
Another P.S.B. bought a whole village, installed computers in every home, and enacted a law requiring the townspeople to blog about the P.S.B.'s blog. Sad but true!
Yet another P.S. B. married a high-powered, wealthy Hollywood 'muckety-muck', and others who wish to curry favor from the 'm.m.' (generic hollywood k*** a**), rave about her blog elevating it to blog stardom. (She's a friend of mine for the time being. That is, unless she reads this post and recognizes herself in this post-- which she probably won't since she's totally self-involved.)
These are only three examples with the theme of Money Talks. Fact of life, my sweet, hard(ly)-workingblog students! BUT there's still hope for us small-time bloggers. Even if we don't have the massivemoolah with which to cheat, AND we choose to play fair-- we can still work into our blogs certain famous names which (if the witch doctor is right) will assist us to catch a reader here and there through search engines: this is why you should probably mention Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears, and Humor-blogs.
In the works for Blog-Blond: a talk-radio show where you will HEAR the same dark and edgy tone you read here. I'm currently interviewing co-hosts. Requirements: dark, edgy, snarky, chatty, up-on-current-events, AND submissive. If you think you have what it takes, drop me a comment or email.
Class, I wish to share some recent interactions with blog readers. I've had an increasing number of requests from other bloggers to review their blogs, and what I've discovered through this process (and in critiquing my own blogs) is worthy of sharing with you for your edification. So Listen UP! Take your hands out of your pants, and put them on the table where I can see them, at least until you finish reading this post! I'm not wearing these shit-kicking boots for nothing!
Thenumber one point to remember in naming and titling your Blog and Blog Posts is to know your audience! For whom do you write? This is usually a process of discovery, and even after launching your blog with a certain audience in mind, there is a continual need to experiment and tweak your blog. You may discover a bigger, better, sleazier, more fabulousaudience for your blog....or even a completely different one. Take a risk with your blog, and as I wrote on another one of my blogs, "Live dangerously!"
For example, I began this blog as a humor & education blog, but the TONE of the blog has shiftedas I've become better acquainted with my readers and audience. Blog-Blond has taken on a darker, snarkier hue. Now I'm naughtier, fiercer, more attitudinal, bitchier, and more straight-talking. My whip is out, and I'm ready to crack it. And ya know what, I like it! Judging by the hits (certainly not by comments and this includes you, Mr. Humor-Blog himself! Hah! Like how I worked that one in?), this TONE is appropriate for my readership.
Mycurrent stance may shift again. Who knows? I write for my loveable, naughty class and for me, and even though I covet the hard-to-acquire Yahoo links, I zero choose to pay for them or employ Google ads to get them. Then again, I may change my mind tomorrow! This is the Joy of Blogging for me, for I can willfully change things whenever I please... delete this... add that...whatever works! This is why when I was offered a gig posting blogs for one of the BIG blog groups who share revenue, I turned them down. I'm an independent, free spirit, and I choose to be an a$$-kicking rebel blogger!